I’ve done a great job in not thinking about you lately.
Oh sure, I dreamt about you last night, but that happens every so often. I still dream about people who haven’t been in my life for years now, but by the daytime they are off my mind yet again. For the past few days, you have been no different.
Last week, I finally got around to deleting all of our Facebook photos together. It was so hard permanently destroying any evidence of us being together, but there was no longer any sense on clinging onto those photos any longer.
The photos are gone. Since I also removed our photos together from my phone, Instagram, and you never liked taking photos of us yourself, any photos of us being together no longer exist. While it was agonizing to see your face in those photos and being reminded of a time when we were once happy together, there was something satisfying about deleting those photos that kept me from tearing up. Perhaps it was because it showed my progress toward acceptance that you are my past.
Sure, it still has not been completely easy to let go. Our conversation archive is still in my Facebook Messenger. Even if I never read it, I still cannot get myself to delete it. I still avoid certain songs and television shows because they remind me of you. When I pass by certain areas that we have been to together, you will cross my mind even if just for a second. When I am feeling down or am expriencing something even mildly distressful, I wish to vent to you about it from time to time, though that feeling is being replaced by wanting to vent to my close friends about it. I still occasionally wonder how you’re doing and how your family is doing. Whenever I hear a skateboard coming down the street or see a bike messenger, I think of you.
But that’s normal right? You played a significant role in my life. You were considered a best friend to me, you were my first long term relationship, you were the first person I ever imagined spending my life with, you were my first real love, so naturally I will still think of you from time to time, and we made so many memories together and spend so much time together that naturally many things will remind me of you. I still imagine that years from now, even when I am far moved on from our relationship, I will still be reminded of you once in a blue moon.
Still, I do my best to help further the moving on process. I have been taking it slow as I wrote about the other week, yet I mention your name as little as possible, I no longer avoid places we used to go to (and I don’t tear up when I am in them or pass by them) and I am starting to have days where I hardly ever think of you. It’s progress compared to November where your name would pop up in every sentence that came out my mouth, where I would rather pay for cabs than go to the nearest train stations because they reminded me of you, and where I spent every waking moment thinking of you.
I harbor anger and resentment toward you, I have more feelings for and about you than I’d like to admit, I still have my moments where I miss you, and I still find my mind lingering on you for longer than a few seconds before I fight my thoughts of you away. It’s easier not to think of or talk about you, but that doesn’t mean it’s still not difficult. Then again, heartbreaks are full of juxtapositions.
The feelings I still have toward you did not hit me again until last night, when I was cleaning out my backpack for the first time in a few months. When I went through the backpack, I found many of our physical memories that still existed but I attempted to ignore or forget about. There were the books you gave me but I never read or finished reading, the vape juices that you gave me but I no longer have use for since I got rid of my vape since it reminded me too much of you, even my Nintendo 2DS that I got last year because you inspired me to play video games again. I held one of the vape juices you gave me as a gift months ago and nearly started tearing up, and I felt that pain in my chest that I have not felt in a long while. As ridiculous as it sounds, any connection to our past together still pains me. These were items that you gave me, were in your possession at one point, or that bring back a memory of you.
It was there that I decided that I needed to put off getting rid of any of your belongings I had as opposed to torturing myself with them just because it was too damn hard to let go of the physical reminders of us. We were together so long and spent so much time together (hell for a long time your house was like a second home to me), but I did not realize just how much of your stuff I still had in my house. When I was going through my closet, I found that I still had a lot of your clothes as well. I have not worn any of your clothes since we broke up, so I forgot that I still had a lot of your shirts and pants I borrowed and never got to give back. I do remember mentioning that I still had a lot of your things in my house when you were breaking up with me, and you responded in a rude tone, “donate it to charity.”
Instead, I found myself unable to let go of whatever physical memories still existed of you, so I stored anything of yours that I still had away so I would not have to see it. Out of sight, out of mind.
We you dumped me, you brought large plastic bags full of my makeup, jewelry, clothes, shoes and notebooks I left at your house. I know for a fact that you did not bring everything of mine, and I often wonder if you held onto it as well, threw it away or “donated it.” I mean you must have gotten rid of my belongings that you had left over in your house, because no matter how difficult it was for you, you still threw away a long term relationship within less than a week and made it all a joke.
I have not seen or heard from you in months now. I still am in contact with about two or three of your friends but I never ask about you. I do find myself hoping you are okay in spite of all this anger I have toward you, but I refuse to know what you are up to. Though I still have trouble coming to terms with accepting it, you are my past.
You presently exist in my life through my memories of who you once were and who we once were, but you do not have a physical presence in my life, so therefore I no longer know who you are and you no longer know who I am. We will always have the fact that we were once connected in the past, but now we are two separate people living our own separate lives and I guess that is the way it was meant to be.
When we first broke up, you seemed to harbor anger toward me, and that is a natural thing. You are entitled to your feelings, but it seemed as though you had forgotten that there was good in our relationship as well. When a relationship ends, more often than not, both parties are to blame. I accepted my faults to the point of blaming only myself for the first few weeks, but you clearly had not. To my face you did, but to your friends and social media, you had victimized yourself and made me out to be the bad guy. I addressed this in my blogs “In the End” and “Empathy“. In doing this, you helped me discover who you really are as a person. You may have your good qualities buried within, but you are also deceitful, superficial, and will do just about anything to keep up your reputation with your friends. Is that the case now? Are you still bad-mouthing me behind my back? I don’t know, but as I said, it is no longer my concern since you are no longer a part of my life.
There are two versions of you I could choose to remember. I could chose to remember the ugly side of you and all the bad memories we had together as you choose to with me, or I could choose to remember the side of you that I fell in love with and all our good memories. I have chosen both as I do not regret us ever being together and we did have a lot of memories together that are worth remembering, but I also need to acknowledge that there is a reason why we did not last and that you have said things about me and did things to me that cannot be forgiven.
In that year and four months we were together, there are so many memories we made that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Twenty years from now, I still imagine that if I hear our songs playing somewhere, I hear a skateboard going down the street, or if I pass by your area, I will still think of you and be taken back to our time together. That pain in my chest probably won’t be as agonizing and I may not tear up, but I will still think of you. You are a part of my life I will never forget, and I refuse to take the same route as you and only view our relationship through a negative perspective. Though our relationship did not end on good terms and you are now my past, you still existed in my life at one point in time and, before shit hit the fan, you still made me happy in ways no one else I was ever romantically involved with had.
It’s been almost three months since you walked away and you’re still the inspiration for my writing. You will continue to be until you are so far removed from my thoughts that I have very little left to say.