Tag Archives: Life

Presenting a Situation for Something I am Working on, Please Give Your Honest Opinions.

Hello all. I know I have not posted since January, and I apologize for the delay in posts. I plan on getting back to stories, plays, and vents as often as possible now that many ideas are finally flowing through my head once again and now that I am finding inspiration again. Early 2017 was certainly a rough few months for me and depression was keeping me from being able to focus my mind on one set project. I am, however, back finally and planning on releasing a few things this summer. In fact, I have an announcement to make in an upcoming blog that is set to be published tomorrow or Thursday.

I know this is a weird first post to make considering I have been inactive for about six months now, but I am working on something that requires me to ask these questions and I want to get as many answers as possible. I posted this following message on my Facebook and Facebook page, and figured this blog would also be a good place to gather opinions as well:

I am currently in the process of working on something for something, and I currently am seeking some opinions on the situation presented in what I am working on. I usually never do this, but I really do kinda need as many opinions as possible. I will not be publishing out any names for said thing I am working on, nor will I be ridiculing anyone for their opinion. I would appreciate if likewise, no one would judge anyone else for their opinion either. I know that is near impossible for anyone to do so on the internet as anything that warrants an opinion on the internet and that can create controversy causes an uproar, but I am doing this solely for research purposes. What for you say? You’ll find out in the future. For now, please, I am asking for people to give their opinions on my following questions about the situation I am about to present. I will be recording these answers but will not attach any names to it, so answer as honestly as you want. I will not judge. If you prefer messaging me personally, then you can do so as well. Thank you all for reading and participating. Feel free to share my post as well on here. I will take as many responses as I can get. 🙂 If you are not interested in this, I will not force you to respond.
Trigger Warning for sexual assault. I don’t wanna make anyone uncomfortable so if anything involving sexual assault of any kind triggers you, do not read any further.
Keep in mind, the scenario is NOT based on me or anyone I know personally.
Situation:
A person in their mid-twenties is at a party with their friends. They are a bit drunk, but can still function for the most part. As they stumble around the party, they wind up getting suckered into being alone in a room with another stranger. The person winds up, against their will, raping them. The person being raped is visibly not consenting in any type of way, but the other person keeps going anyway. Once the person raping them is done, they leave behind their victim who is still processing what just happened and sobbing uncontrollably unsure of what to do because they are positive no one will believe them.
So now you wonder, okay, Lisa, where are you going with this? Well two questions now arise from this situation I presented. Like I said, answer them as honestly as possible. Please answer number 1 before even reading number 2.
1) So now whether or not you noticed, I did not disclose any genders in this scenario. So without giving second thought, as you read the scenario, what gender would you assume the victim is? Don’t give it a second thought, just answer honestly what gender you envisioned the victim as. Now tell me, without a second thought, what gender do you envision the rapist as? Again, no second thoughts right now, just tell me what gender you saw the rapist as. If possible, can you explain why you see the victim and rapists as these genders?
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2) Now that you have thought about number 1, I want you to take something into consideration. Generally, many would think the victim is a female and the rapist a male. If that is what you answered, it is okay. That is the case usually and like I said there is no right or wrong answers right now. Let’s say though, that the victim was a cisgender male and the rapist was a cisgender female? Say they were both in their early 20’s, the victim was not asexual, gay, or bisexual. He just was not into the girl who raped him, in fact he only ended up alone with her because he was trying to help her because she appeared piss drunk and he feared she would be taken advantage of in her state so he just wanted to be by her side, but he was not attracted to her at all just trying to do a good deed. Then, as it turns out, she was not wasted and it was a trap and she took advantage despite him not wanting to sleep with her? Without a second thought, what did you think as soon as the situation turned to be with a straight young male victim and a young female rapist? You can answer this in any way. You can also add whether or not it could be deemed as rape. Again this is all YOUR opinion and I am leaving my own thoughts on this matter out.
Thank you all for your time and responses again~

My Lessons Learned: Part 1

INTRO

They say that getting hurt is an essential part of life and to live life with no regrets. They also say that it is always darkest before the dawn. Throughout the twenty-one years of my life I have lived so far, I have learned this to be true the hard way.

PART 1

It all started with that boy with the hazel eyes and the blonde patch of hair in his Mohawk. He was my “high school sweetheart,” my first boyfriend, and the first guy that taught me what happiness was. He stole my first kiss on the two train during the Spring of 2012 and nothing was ever the same for me again. All those years of being that ugly duckling that no guy would even consider giving the time of day quickly changed into having someone who actually wanted to be called mine and made me feel like I was actually worth something. Our first four months together was full of laughter, kisses, and memories that are now distant yet still remain implanted into bits and pieces in the back of my mind. There was also “I love you’s” exchanged, but we were sixteen and naive. What did we know about love?
As quickly as our beautiful relationship blossomed that Spring, it died out once that horrendous Summer ended. Our two-hour long phone conversations every day where we talked about everything and nothing turned into forced five minute conversations that ended in my tears. His sweet, gentle tone turned into a cold, bitter one that left me questioning if he had grown to despise me for some unknown reason. Whenever he was near, I would find myself noticing those hazel eyes of his that were once locked on me began averting elsewhere. Seeing each other every week turned into him making excuses to be away from me for three weeks until school came near and facing me would be inevitable for him. Then, just a week before my senior year began, he hit me with what I had been warned by my friends was coming but I was too in denial to accept.
He dumped me.
Oh, but he didn’t do it in person, I wasn’t worthy of that. He did so by having me travel to a play of his downtown one hot day in August after deliberately avoiding me for three weeks, hardly acknowledging my existence by having me sit on the sidelines with a depressed face as he took pictures with other women, then sending me home while I was in tears alone in the middle of the night by myself on the train. When I finally obtained the balls to confront him about this on Facebook, since he refused to answer my calls to even at least make sure I was home safe, he made it as though everything was my fault and for a long time I would believe it. I was too shy and boring, he said. He wanted a girl who he could have fun with and didn’t cling onto him all the time because she was too socially awkward to stand on her own two feet. After he was done with his side of why he was leaving me, he decided he had no time to hear what I had to say. He simply left me on seen and changed his relationship status to single, and that was that.
For him, anyway. For me, it was devastating. My first relationship came to an end. The one person that made me genuinely happy for the first time in my life left me with nothing but a broken heart. The week following the breakup was full of starving myself because my stomach ached at the sight of food, and being awake until five in the morning with tears in my eyes as I obsessively stalked his Facebook in hopes of signs of closure and that he missed me.Instead I found him writing about the importance of moving on in life, and dedicating that one Fall Out Boy song where they sing in the chorus, “I don’t blame you for being you, but you can’t blame me for hating it…”, to me. I was convinced that he truly had forgotten me and that five months together meant nothing to him. All the kisses, laughter, and I love you’s meant nothing because I was not interesting or sociable enough for him.
When senior year began, I decided to wipe away those tears and put on a bold demeanor to prove to him that I didn’t need him. Despite the fact that I was still talking in my sleep about him, and resisting the urge to both slap him in the face and beg for him back, I still held my own when facing him in the halls as we walked passed each other as if we never met. That is how it was until one day in the cafeteria, three weeks into the school year, his eyes were planted on me as I talked and laughed away with new friends I made. He then approached me, hugged me, and asked me how I was. In his face, I kept my cool. For the rest of the day, I obsessed over that one interaction wondering if it meant anything. I should not have wanted him back after he abruptly dumped me and expected me to move on, but I didn’t care. All I knew was that he made me happy once, maybe he could again and we could put the horrendous break-up behind us. Having a good heart makes you believe that everyone else does.
That false sense of hope clung onto me that whole senior year. When he and I would have brief exchanges in the hallways or at lunch, the hope would remain. When I dated someone else briefly while I still had him on my mind, and he walked around sulking at the sight of me in the arms of another, hope would remain. When he apologized for hurting me after seeing me sulk around the school for weeks contemplating suicide just around the time I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, hope would remain. Even when he would call me boring, or when he teamed up with his ex to bully me for moving on to another guy, or when he mocked my weight to other people, I still clung onto hope. When I saw him, I saw not the guy who hurt me, but rather the boy with the hazel eyes who admired me and treated me with such respect the year before.
Then came my last day of high school, quite possibly the last day I would ever see his face again. The day where I would pour out my feelings and determine whether or not we would rekindle our old flame.
Oh silly, naive, Lisa. If only you would accept that once a flame is burned out, there is no way of reviving it. You can create a new flame, but it will not be the same. That is exactly what happened with him and I. He got me alone, and apologized to me for everything he put me through. This is the one thing I will always give him props for; giving me the closure I needed to hear to fully move on. Oh sure, I made a fool of myself by pouring out how I felt about him and how I wanted him back. I also kissed him, but the kiss was everything I needed to tell me that whatever was left between us had died out. When I kissed him, I no longer felt my heart skip a beat but rather emptiness. I no longer felt like I was locking lips with someone I loved, but rather someone who had betrayed me, and left me with little explanation. No matter how hard I tried, I could not relive the past and undo the immense hurt he caused me. He was not that sweet boy I dated a year earlier who cared about me deeply and made me feel valuable, but rather someone who dumped me on Facebook and took six months to fully grasp what he did wrong. Nothing was going to change that.
That was my closure. That was what got me to move on. There was also his confession that he was “crazy,” which made little sense to me until the next year where events took place in which I will not write of. Despite the lack of using his name, what had happened was something I will not disclose out of respect of him and everyone involved in the incident. I will say that when I learned of what happened, everything came together and the asinine reasons he gave me for leaving was merely an excuse to let me go for my own safety. He wanted to protect me from himself. That was enough to allow me to gain all the closure I needed to fully move on and accept that he and I just could not be together under certain circumstances.
I would come to learn, however, that sometimes you do not have the luxury of receiving closure from the person. Sometimes people will just do you dirty, and then leave you to pick up the pieces yourself. There is nothing you can do in that situation, but cope with the pain yourself until you can fully move on. You also will have to learn to live without closure, and instead accept that the person did what they did because they are a remorseless piece of shit. More on that in chapter 2.

 

 

My Reasons Why 

It’s almost here! One week away from the releasing of my project, “My Reasons Why”What is “My Reasons Why”? It’s a self-written, self-made project touching upon my life and experiences. All my life I have been shy and held things in. Well in this project, I intend on releasing those emotions through the power of writing and spoken word. I will take the listeners and readers on a journey through my life so far and experiences I have undergone. The story will have seventeen parts, each following the format of one of my all-time favorite novels where each part is about someone who affected my life in some way. Real names will not be used and each story serves a purpose that will be described in the final part. Each will be told as though it is a story, but it is all 100% true. It is all based on my life and each experience will be told through my perception. 

I won’t give anymore away, but please keep and eye out for updates as well as the first video, which is to be uploaded next Wednesday at 8pm. The videos will be uploaded everyday up to part 17 and text versions will be Available on my blog. Thank you all for your time and hope you check it out 🙂 

If you haven’t done so, like my page Lisa Speaks Out because all video releases will be there.