On the one hand I want to keep going to see what life has in store yet on the other I want to just give in to that blade and those pills that tempt me but yet I cannot bring myself to do so because that fear of eternal darkness consumes me before the blade touches my skin yet at the same time I crave a taste of death maybe it tastes sweeter than this hell of a life and my god how much it will pain my family and the few remaining friends I have but perhaps they will be better off without a burden such as myself yet I question if I am just being selfish or maybe it’s the reality of things because I am equivalent to a pest to those who love me and nothing more than someone you shove into your busy schedule when you need something from me to those who I wish would actually care about me but what does it matter because I have to be kind-hearted though that’s what I have been all my life the moment I shed tears or vent I am merely seeking attention yet if I shit rainbows and speak so monotone suddenly I am too shy so I suppose I cannot win in this hell of a life where I am nothing but worthless and lonely and fuck I just wish that I can freely release my tears and feel loved and relevant and not be someone wearing a mask that depicts a smiling face when all I am is dead and broken inside and I question if I will ever find love or if I will just be viewed as a vulnerable, pathetic girl that guys will use to pleasure themselves and move along or if I am just an unlovable person and if I will ever get anywhere in life and if I will ever stop eating my feelings then feeling fat and repulsive afterwards and also a nights sleep would be nice too instead of closing my eyes and seeing babies stripped of life or questioning if I am loved in any way, and if all these thoughts will continue to consume my mind and if anyone would care or if so-called people who care will continue to ignore or not take seriously cries for help but best believe if something were to happen their eyes will shed phony tears and they will convey fake remorse because that’s how life is, just like Holden Caufield says, everyone is all a bunch of phonies and all anyone ever does anymore is hurt people and God do I wish I gave no more fucks but I know deep down its not who I am for I have too big of a heart and all I ever seek is the good in everyone and all I ever want is to grant people happiness but no one ever seems to wish that for me so I guess I just have to face the harsh reality that not everyone was destined to be happy and the ones who were are just the ones who don’t deserve it and do not feed me with that it gets better bullshit because my life seems a guaranteed eternal sadness and I seem to be despised because all I ever do is get hurt when I have not done any sort of malice to anyone but it doesn’t matter anymore, I am just so tired that I want to close my eyes and end this nightmare of a life where depression consumes my body and soul.
No matter how much time has passed I will always remember your bright hazel eyes and that blonde patch of hair on your head. You were always one of a kind and someone I will never forget.
Why do I never write of you, then? Well, our romance was one in which words cannot describe. Even as I write this, I struggle to find the right words and tears begin to fill my eyes. Of every guy I have ever been involved with, you are deemed as the one who will always hold a special place in my heart. You had immense love and care for me and proved so with every kiss and touch and that will forever be something I will hold onto in my darkest days.
We could be described as nothing more than, to others, a prime example of love between two not yet blossomed adolescents. We were young, immature, and naïve. We were sixteen yet spoke of the future as though we had a clue. In our eyes, which were blinded by the strong feelings we had for one another, we were inseparable.
I think back to those months with you and think of it as not just a juvenile high school relationship but rather as one of the happiest points in my life. All I remember is butterflies, laughter, passionate kisses, and comfort in each other’s arms. I think of how you would get enraged when you saw tears run down my face and the time you exploded at a group of idiotic boys for stealing something from me. How we could talk hours upon hours about anything and how talking to you felt so natural in a time where I was socially awkward. I think of how I felt compelled to run to you and comfort you when I heard what you were dealing with.
We were perfect.
Sure, it does not excuse the agony caused by you flipping the switch and not desiring to be with me anymore in that summer of ’12. That week where I seemed to have an infinite amount of tears and where food did not seem to stay down in my stomach. Where dark circles remained under my eyes and I had no idea what sleep was anymore. I attempted to go out to forget that we were together and yet the mere sight of our former dating spots triggered those painful memories I so desperately wanted to erase. As did rereading that conversation over and over again and seeing that relationship status that you used to break up with me as opposed to confronting me and for weeks I believed I despised you for hurting me and not even giving a care. You got to run around with a smug look and flirt with who you pleased right in front of my face and there was not a damn thing I could do but cry in private and grieve a once-perfect relationship that fell apart. We were in the same high school for one more year so I faced you and watched you move on while I was stuck hopelessly devoted to those magical months despite how more distant in the past they were.
And for that year I embraced hope to rekindle that flame that was long burned out until my last day of high school came where I received my closure and an inevitable truth hit me; the were no hope of reconnecting for we were not meant to be. We kissed for the first time in months that day and yet there was no sparks or butterflies as there had been the year before. It didn’t matter how things had been because no matter how deeply in love we were or how we once looked at each other like we were each other’s world and spoke about the future because we were not meant to be.
Even if four years has passed and I discovered that you broke up with me not to hurt me, but rather to protect me from yourself and that will forever hold a place in my heart, I ponder if it could have worked out between us if things had been different. That is not the course life chose for us, however, and I thank you for giving me such beautiful memories to have of the first relationship I was in and allowing me to say that I was genuinely happy even if for just six months and all thanks to you. I wish nothing but the best for you.
-Lisa Marie Lupo
Hello, everyone. It’s me, Lisa. So I have been working on this project for two months now. This project is my very own self-made project called “My Reasons Why.” I say self-made because I came up with this idea and the stories are real and personal. The idea was inspired by one of my all-time favorite books called “Thirteen Reasons Why” by Jay Asher. It’s an amazing book. I read it about four years ago for the first time during my senior year of high school. As some of you know from a previous video I posted, I was diagnosed with depression at that time. I felt alone and didn’t understand why I had to have this mental illness. I felt like no one understood what I had and I wasn’t fit to be alive because I was the only one who had this illness.
Then came “Thirteen Reasons Why.”
“Thirteen Reasons Why,” for those who have never read or heard of it, is about a girl named Hannah Baker who commits suicide and makes thirteen tapes to thirteen different people explaining why she killed herself. The thirteen people all played a role with her decision to kill herself. The story is narrated by a guy named Clay who was a former coworker of Hannah that had a crush on her and the tapes are narrated by Hannah before she killed herself. While these thirteen people did mistreat Hannah more than she deserved and remained ignorant on how depressed she was, did they really deserve to be blamed? It wasn’t their fault that Hannah clearly had depression that lead to her suicide just as much as it wasn’t Hannah’s fault that she was depressed. As I stated before, depression causes someone to feel never-ending sadness and it makes bad situations feel ten times worse. We’ve all had bullies, stalkers, and fake friends in our lives. While some of us can easily shake it off, those with depression end up obsessing over it and wonder what we had done to deserve it. Most people didn’t know Hannah was depressed, so that’s where it’s not their fault. No one told Hannah to kill herself or shoved the pills down her throat for her. That was her decision, yes. Her suicide, however, was a sign that people should really re-evaluate how they treat people because even if you don’t see how you treat someone as a big deal, it might be a big deal to them. No one wants to be depressed or can control how they feel.
In the case of people who the person reaches out, and Hannah did do that, then it is somewhat that person’s fault. I won’t spoil the book for those who want to read it, and I really do recommend the book. It’s amazing. It has suspense, it’s touching, it’s relatable, and it touches on depression and suicide beautifully. I’m not trying to advertise or anything but if you get the chance do go and read the book. Anyway, my point is that if someone comes to you showing signs that they are depressed and says that they want to give up or just says anything that hints to serious mental issues, it’s a cry for help. Ignoring it because it’s too much for you to handle is selfish and puts some of the blame on you because you knew and chose to ignore it. This is what happened in “Thirteen Reasons Why” and it happened to me too. One friend in my reasons why will be mentioned because they ignored an obvious cry for help. But more on that in another video.
So, why am I making this series? Why am I sharing my personal stories and relating it to this novel? I just want to say that first of all, I am not suicidal. This is not a copycat suicide or a cry for help. I hope you made it far enough to hear me say this before you call me up concerned or try to get me help. That is not why I am doing this at all. I am not doing this for pity or attention. I already know who really cares about me and that not everyone is going to take this the way they should. I am not trying to trash anyone who I mention or blame them for my depression. No one has intentionally caused me to feel depressed or suicidal. This video series will be to prove that depression is a real thing and that anything you say and do to someone can affect them in more ways than you think. In addition, my target audience is people who suffer from depression and are going through tough times and I just want them to know that they are not alone in this. I’m hoping that with sharing my encounters with people and situations that made me want to give up but I still kept going, I will help raise awareness and convince people to keep going like just as Hannah’s story did for me. I’ll get more into the moral behind this project in a much later video but this is just a little summary so that anyone coming across this knows what this is about and there is no harm intended behind these videos.
This will be a series of sixteen videos. There will be fifteen videos following this one consisting of my “Sixteen Reasons Why.” In other words, sixteen people who have impacted my life rather negatively and positively. Negatively because they mistreated me in some way that brought on the depression. Positively because they taught me a lesson and proved to me that I am strong enough to get through anything. This will somewhat follow Hannah’s method aside from the fact that I will not kill myself at the end and instead of sending it to each person individually I’m releasing it for everyone to see. For that reason I will not be using any real names out of respect for the person the story is about even if some of them don’t deserve any respect. Quite a number of them will never see the story anyway and the ones who do should be able to figure out who they are. The fifth reason why consists of two people. The sixteenth reason will be more general than based on one person but will still contribute to the story. So what will the final video be about? Well, we will find out when we get there.
This whole series was pre-written by me, so if you think you are on this list don’t bother trying to convince me to take you off. I’ve already made my list accordingly. Each video will be posted every other day during weekdays and will be posted on Saturday and Sunday. The list of people will be posted in chronological order according to how they appeared in my life aside from the first two since they are family. Don’t think that because you are number one or fifteen it means you are more or less guilty. Finally, I will be releasing text versions of the video to my blog.
Without further ado, I bring you “My Reasons Why,” a project by Lisa Marie. Hopefully, you will watch each video and understand each one. If you are one of the reasons why and this video series has made it to you, hopefully you understand your role in this instead of playing victim again.
She glared at him with great wonder. To many, he was just your average guy. At first, he was nothing more than that to her. Now, however, he caught her attention.
Many guys turned their heads at her, yet none of that mattered because there was only one person whose attention she deeply desired. Thoughts of him plagued her mind and he was the main focus of her dreams. She daydreamed of him holding her and of being his.
Yet in his presence, she became overwhelmed with her nerves. She became at loss for words and her mind raced. If she gave him even just one glance, her heart would skip a beat. Hearing his voice, especially when he spoke to her, made her weak. She would try to find ways to get near him and his mere touch would get her ecstatic. None of this, however, was apparent to him. He would otherwise think of her as crazy.
So she kept her affections a secret. She was well aware that revealing such emotions could create conflict and end in tragedy.
She knew that he did not share mutual feelings toward her.
She knew that, as badly as she wanted him, you can’t always get what you want.
So, as much as it killed her inside, she tried to face these facts and move on.
As much as she should have, she did not take the chance.
Even though her feelings for him did not fade, she repressed them.
She found herself pining to tell him the truth, but she lacked the courage to do so.
She did wind up welcoming the thoughts of him and embracing the feelings.
The feelings she had for a guy she may never have.