Tag Archives: Bullying

Inktober Day 7: All Eyes On Me 

I am back! I know October is almost over, but I have been working hard all weekend to catch up with that Inktober to-do list I made. I am determined to be caught up by the end of the week. 


Day 7: Shy 

“All Eyes On Me”

“That kid who always sat by herself at recess, who went the whole day without saying a word, and who you saw in the halls that interacted with no one, that was always me. I have always suffered from social anxiety, but I never knew there was an actual name for it until I was older. As a child, I always thought there was something wrong with me. I never liked playing with the other kids, I had nothing to say to anyone, and I never quite fit in. I was always like a puzzle piece that got mixed in with the wrong set. There were a few kids who attempted to be my friend, but I always was too shy to speak. As a result, most people bullied me as opposed to trying to get to know me because it was so much easier to call the odd one out a weirdo and retarded. Though my desire to be alone subsided as I reached my adolescent years, I still had been too socially awkward to properly communicate with anyone. My years of isolation and being mocked to a point where I could barely utter a single word without being teased caused me to develop an inferiority complex so strong that I had been unable to speak without stuttering, shaking, and reflecting on everything I would say to someone afterwards. Even if they weren’t judging me, my mind would convince me otherwise. Though I have become much more self-confident thanks to years of being involved with theatre, being in college, and the various jobs working with people that I have had, I still struggle with being more sociable and with feeling like everyone is silently judging me. I hear the voices of those that had teased me growing up for being socially awkward in my head, and I obsessively overthink everything I say and do in my head. Thanks to social anxiety, I feel like everyone is always laughing at me internally, and like everyone’s eyes were on me.”

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For someone from my Distant Past

It has been nearly seven years since we have crossed paths and seven years since I saw your face anywhere besides Facebook pictures and yet somehow you managed to impact my life in such a way that I have an inferiority complex when it comes to guys.

Seven years and still those words haunt me when attempting to pursue a romance or when I look in the mirror and see that overbite and those pimples that you reminded me of every day. To you, it all meant nothing. I was just that ugly, awkward girl in your class throughout all of middle school.

It didn’t matter at all to you how my innocent, naïve heart was crushed to a million pieces or how much I desired to down a bottle of pills because I believe every word you and your follower friends said. It didn’t matter to you how I would go to bed with a soaked pillow every night questioning why I was so hated by you. All I ever did was like you, and it resulted in cruel words that impacted me harder than the sharp edges of a thousand knives to my delicate heart.

If I could go back in time, my god how I would warn my thirteen year old self that you were not worth it. You were not worth pining after for my whole eighth grade year. Maybe I loved your dark eyes and your plump lips that curved into a beautiful bright smile, but those were the only distinctive features about you. On the outside you were a handsome, popular, brilliant athlete. On the inside, you were nothing but a cold, heartless bully who destroyed a young, fragile girl mentally.

Yet, where are you now? A nobody with dreadlocks that hopes one day someone will care about your mixtapes. If only thirteen-year-old me could see that this is what she was hopelessly infatuated with.

Yet, would I listen to my future self back then? Probably not. For I was living in a fantasy world. A world where you would be sensitive and kind-hearted. Where you would bless me with my first kiss and wipe away my tears. Where I would gaze into those big, brown eyes of yours and you would view me as beautifully as I viewed you. Where your words were much sweeter and comforted my damaged heart. Where you would stand up against those bullies, us against the world.

Perhaps, I fell for this fantasy version of you. Perhaps you were the embodiment of everything I desired to be with, popular and loved. That was something I was not for I was an ugly duckling that lacked social skills and the butt of everyone’s jokes. For this reason, my heart chose you and chose to put the fantasies in place of your horrendous personality.

I kept living that fantasy and desired a romance that never happened because in reality you were repulsed by me. You made it your goal for you and your friends to make my final year of middle school a living hell and not a day goes by where I wished that common sense would hit me that underneath those innocent eyes and baby face you were as ugly as you thought I was.

That boy who cursed me out then bragged about the next day to all his friends like it was something worth a reward, the boy who gagged when he found out how I felt about him, the boy who would tease my every movement and word, the boy who tried to spit on me and put dust in my hair, the boy who swore I was so repulsive that my slightest touch made him cringe, that was the boy you were.

When I looked at you again anytime after this epiphany hit me, I no longer saw those gorgeous dark eyes and that smile but rather an ugly little boy so overwhelmed by his own insecurities that he needed to follow his friends and pick on anyone below their pathetic little circle to fit in.

-Lisa Marie Wolf

 

 

Flawless

When I was twelve, I developed my first real crush on a boy. I had other little kid crushes before, but this one was the first to hit me like a big yellow school bus. (Cookie for you if you get the reference) It was the first time I had become aware of my feelings and, as a result, attempted to act upon them whenever he was near. As a result, I wound up humiliating myself and before long the majority of my middle school knew as well as the boy. His reaction? To send me hurtful messages online as well as inform me that I was considered by everyone, ‘the ugliest girl in school.’ To add insult to injury, he bragged about telling me this to kids in our class the next day. 
As one can imagine, these word hurt me a great deal. Not only did I cry myself to sleep that night, I would stare at myself in the mirror and believe it. I would believe that I was indeed the ugliest girl you can meet. As a kid, I never quite fit in. Not only because even then I was quiet, but also because I was not as physically attractive as any other girl. While many girls at that time already wore makeup, tight clothes, were developed, and had good skin, I stuck out immensely. I always wore my hair in a ponytail, my acne was so bad I had to wear my hair in bangs, I wore baggy clothes, I have always had a bad overbite, and I was as thin as a stick. I also was more pale-skinned in a school where no one else was, which was something I did not know I had to be insecure about until middle school. 

Kids can be mean, yes, but I was positive that this boy had not said it just to be mean. I believed it, simply because many kids had severely bullied me and made sure to point out all the flaws I mentioned above.  

I hated the girl in the mirror for long after this. I always questioned why I could not just look like other girls. Why my face couldn’t be clearer, why my teeth could not be straighter and whiter, why my hair was so out of control, why I couldn’t have a body like other girls, and why I always had to stand out in a crowd of girls. 

Years passed. I started getting thicker out of no where. My acne, while still existing today, cleared up more. My hair is still a knotty tangly mess, yet I can comfortably wear it down. I became more comfortable with my teeth, as it is just a part of who I am. Most people have accepted me for me and the bullying has subsided. 

And yet when I look in the mirror, I still don’t like who I see. 

And why is that? Because of a mean comment some bully made seven years ago? Maybe. 

Because I see other girls and wish to look more like them? Maybe. 

Because I allow the rude comments I still receive affect me? Maybe. 

Because society’s perception of beauty and what a woman should look like has corrupted my mind and thus made me believe that I should look a certain way? There you go. 

Think about it, if we were not conditioned to believe we had to look a certain way, would we care about our appearance? 

I know I would not care about my acne, my teeth, my hair, or my weight. It’s all imperfect, but it’s who I am. I believe I can still be beautiful even with all these physical flaws. Yet because of what I see other girls looking like, or striving to look like, and because of the comments I still receive, when I look at myself all I see is a pimply-faced, messy-haired girl with an overbite. Most recently, I have started getting shit about my weight. 

Comments I receive: 

-Have you ever thought about getting braces? 

-Ew what happened to your face? 

-You used to be so skinny, what happened to you? 

-Did you let yourself go because you broke up with your boyfriend? 

-You should do something about those pimples. 

And so forth. 

So, in the simplest terms, we can conclude that no one believes they are ugly. They are taught to believe that they are ugly. 

I want to believe that I am pretty. I want to look past my physical flaws. I want to quit feeling like I am the only girl who looks as imperfect as I do. I want to be able to feel comfortable I my own body. I want to believe a guy when he calls me beautiful. Most importantly, I want to believe that I am beautiful.

Yet with images of what we are expected to look like, for both men and women, that is nearly impossible. I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. 

It’s not just Hollywood, magazines, and commercials enforcing this artificial image of beauty, either. It’s little comments made by people we face in our every day lives that influence our perception of ourselves. Little comments such as that one by the boy from middle school about me being ugly, to a woman in a clothing store commenting on my weight just because I am not a size two, to a friend making a rude comment about me letting myself go due to something that happened months ago is enough to mess with someone’s brain. Even pointing out someones flaws such as pimples, overbites, and so on when it is not necessary is a form of insulting someone else’s appearance. You may think you are helping when you tell them to go use some acne cream or go get their teeth fixed, but in reality you are just bring attention to something they are already aware of and probably insecure about. You don’t even know if they are trying to take care of it or if it’s something they can’t help. 

Not everyone can have straight teeth. Not everyone can be the same weight. Not everyone can have clear skin. Not everyone can have flawless hair. Yet everyone could still believe that person they see in the mirror is beautiful if they view the person through their own eyes as opposed to the eyes that society wants them to look through. 

So stop perceiving yourself as ugly because of a few flaws. Realize that you are beautiful and having flaws are what make you even more beautiful. You are unique. 

You are you, and that’s okay.