Monthly Archives: October 2016

My Thoughts Day 1: My Anxiety is Slowly Killing Me

What is anxiety?

Anxiety is not just simply the feeling of being anxious, nor is it just the feeling you get when you have a math test later on, or when you are about to speak in front of a group of people. Anxiety is a mental illness, much like depression. It is a disorder in which you excessively feel uneasy and worry over current and future events. When you have anxiety disorder, your typical response to most conflicts is to overthink obsessively and worry yourself sick. When everything becomes overwhelming, it can result in a panic attack, or in some cases something close to a panic attack. What makes anxiety disorder distinctive from that feeling of being anxious is both the response to it, and the fact that when you have anxiety disorder you obsess over whatever you are worried about, whether it is a big conflict or something trivial.

Another difference? You cannot control anxiety disorder. No matter how much you want to, or how much you try to control your thoughts, you just can’t. It’s like telling someone with bipolar disorder to control their mood swings, or telling someone with ADHD to learn to control themselves; it’s just not possible.

Some people do, however, disagree with this. They will say that anxiety is not a disorder, but rather people upsetting themselves over little things. Everyone has problems, but are able to get over it. People who claim to have anxiety disorder are just people crying for attention because they don’t know how to handle their problems.

I have an example from the past of dealing with people with this ignorant mindset:

Early August 2015. Warm summer day. Canal Street, NYC

I am with my ex-boyfriend and his mom, giving their friends a tour of Manhattan. We have been walking around with no break all day. We went from walking the Coney Island boardwalk, to the Staten Island Ferry and back, to walking from South Ferry to Tribeca. They were hoping to walk Chinatown and Times Square next, but my feet were tired and I had work the next day. They were walking in an extremely fast pace as well so that did not help my aching feet. The sun was also ready to set, and I hated travelling on the subway alone at night. One would think that after keeping me out on my feet all day, my ex would have had the decency to take me home or make sure I get home safe in some way. Oh no, he was going to send me off alone because, despite making me go around Brooklyn and Manhattan with his friends, he decided he couldn’t part ways with them for just a little bit just so that he could ensure I made it home okay. Not to mention that he thought all that travelling and walking we did was not too much, and his mother seemed to agree with this poor treatment toward me.
So here is what I thought:
Wow, my safety is not important to him or his mother.
Are you fucking kidding me?
How do they not see that they are wrong?
I feel like I walked all over New York City. All five boroughs.
He really doesn’t care about me, does he?
He seems more invested in his friends despite me taking time out my day to travel around all day, and visit tourist spots of a city I have lived in all my life with people I don’t even know. While we were on the ferry and at the 9/11 memorial he barely even paid me any mind. What I am doing for him doesn’t mean anything, huh?

These thoughts didn’t just cross my mind just once, nor did they leave when I tried to argue with him and he just wasn’t getting it throughout the day. Neither was his mother. In fact, she was encouraging his behavior toward me on letting me leave alone. I felt so overwhelmed, and all those horrendous thoughts I listed above kept replaying in my head like a broken record. My heartbeat kept increasing rapidly, and I felt like the sun was suddenly beating directly on me. I tried, however, to ignore it.
Then we went from Chambers to Canal street to get to Chinatown. On the way there is where it happened. Where I argued heavily with his mother as my heart felt like it was going to rip out my chest from beating too hard and where I felt like I was drowning in sweat. Still eager to prove my point, I kept on going until he lost his patience with me and threw something then walked away.
Then, the flashbacks played in my head. The flashbacks of growing up witnessing my father do the very same thing when he lost his temper quickly. Him lashing out on my family and I so easily, along with his habit of throwing and breaking things when he lost control, caused me to become frightened whenever someone lashes out on me or starts throwing things around out of anger.
That is exactly what happened. Except I did not just cower away from the scene in fear. I began shaking and tears began falling down my face. He had stormed away, but his mom noticed, and questioned why I was crying. My mind had eventually blanked out, and I only remember the following events in bits and pieces. I remember leanung against a rough brick wall because I could not even figure how to stand up anymore. I remember sobbing so loud I felt everyone around me was staring at me. I remember feeling like I was having a heart attack because the pounding of my heartbeat was so hard it was causing me immense pain. I rememeber it suddenly felt like breathing was too difficult to do and each inhale and exhale became stronger and stronger. There was sweat dripping from my forehead and palms, and the temperature felt like it increased to two hundred degrees. I recall the images of my ex in front of me with his mom and all my other surroundings flipping on and off as I attemped to pay attention to my surroundings like that bullshit Facebook post advises to do to ease out of a panic attack. I remember trying to push out words, but my heavy breathing made it impossible to talk. As I slowly began to come back to my own self, I had to resist the urge to both punch my ex in the face, and to jump in front of traffic in the nearby street.

Saying that I wanted to punch him may sound cruel, but my anxious mindset had automatically turned to inflicting violence on anyone who got even the least bit loud with me. I did not punch him, as I slowly began to regain control again, but who could blame me when he was urging me to answer him, and getting visibly angry with me that I did not when he saw how I was gasping for air?

Even if this was over a year ago, I do recall him saying these words:

“What do you have to be so anxious about? You need to chill.”

I also recall his mom saying this:

“You are too young to be getting upset like that.”

While it upset me, I should not have even been surprised. I kept wondering why someone so close to me that I have been there for could even think something so ignorant and have the nerve to speak so negatively against me for having this right in front of my face. I also wonder why someone who is a grown adult and a mother could honestly believe young people can’t have problems or be allowed to get upset over things. Then I remember that some people are just so closed-minded that they do not understand, or make an attempt to understand, something that does not affect them. It is like when someone tells another person with clinic depression to just get over it and go out more; some people have ignorant beliefs about certain things they don’t know personally about.

When it comes to people who are ignorant about mental illnesses, I keep them at a distance. If they cannot shut up about their ignorant beliefs, I drop them like a boom. As I wrote in a previous post, “Special Snowflakes Versus the World,” everyone is entitled to their own opinion. As long as you do not shove that opinion down my throat, I will respect you whether or not I agree with it. I have had many friends who are closed-minded about my mental illnesses, and while their views on it irk me, I leave them alone about it as long as they do not judge me about it. I also have vowed to myself never to date someone who says nasty things in response to my anxiety again, and is anything but helpful when I imevitably have a panic attack.

I have a lot of supportive friends and a boyfriend who is understanding of anxiety and very patient when it comes to panic attacks. They subsided over the past year, as I started seeing a therapist shortly after that incident with my ex, and I started back on medication last October. The worst panic attacks I had were when I underwent a lot of stress during my last semester of college, and when I was in my uncles car back in February to say goodbye to my grandma when it was time for her to be buried. While I had my medication and methods of coping with anxiety, such as writing and painting, it was still hard sometimes to ignore anxiety. Anxiety may be incurable, and you just have to learn to live with it, but lately it has gotten worse. My last dose of medication is gone, life finds a way to slap me in the face with a load of crap at one time, and my depression has found a way to kick me in the ass in such a way that my interest in anything I was passionate about to help calm my anxiety is gone. The fact that I have been able to keep my attention on this post for so long in one day amazes me.

What is it that I am so anxious about, as my ex had once so delightfully asked? Well, to close this post, I present to you an anxious thought train of mine. This final piece of my post derives from a time where my anxiety takes over, which can either happen due to a certain event, someone seriously upsetting me, or just when I am alone at night trying to sleep and the thoughts find their way in. The following thought train is an example of the last one.

A thought train:

*I am a disgrace. I don’t deserve to be happy, why do I ever think I will be? I want to apply to NYU, but what makes me think I will ever get in? If I don’t then I am a letdown to my family who wants me to better myself for the future but I just can’t do it. I have a great scholarship oppritunity to help get me into NYU but I can’t seem to get anyone to help me with recommendations and the application deadline is Tuesday. Crazy how I always help people and they never help me. But maybe that is the reason why. Maybe I don’t deserve any help. When you help people it should be selfless, and yet here I am expecting people to drop what they are doing to write something for me about how great I am. I am not gonna finish thay application in time. Maybe I did not know about that damn scholarship until yesterday, but maybe I would have if my lazy ass had started looking for scholarships sooner. I am a disappointment to my mom, my sister, and everyone I care about.

I turn 21 in eleven days. 21 and all I have is an Associates’ degree and no clue with what I want to do with myself. My phone battery is at thirty six percent. I want to continue with this post and post it today. I know I said that the purpose of this was to prove the significance of freewriting but I want it to be perfectly written. Who am I kidding though? I am not the best writer, no matter how hard I try. I know I am good, but there are so many good writers out there, so what makes me think that I am so special? I am mediocre compared to most, so I probably won’t make it out there. I don’t want to be famous, but I do want my writing to speak out to some. But how can it when all I do is write rants and personal experiences on this blog once in a blue? I am 20 years old with no plan, no future, and no idea of how I’m gonna pursue what I want to do. My life is a mess. Should I even say more?

Ah yes. I need glasses. I can barely see what I am typing because my reading glasses got crushed in my bag. But I can’t afford new ones. I can, but then I have no money saved. Money seems to be one thing I am anxious about. It shouldn’t be, but it is because I need stuff and because I am one of the worst savers in history. I need so many things. I want to save money for my birthday too…oh what does it matter? No one else seems to care much for it. People want to make requests on what I should do but no one cares to try and help out but me, my boyfriend, and my mom. My sister would probably help if she could. That is beside the point though. The last time anyone even did anything for me was my close friends taking me to a buffet years ago, and a friend of mine that took me out to a chocolate resturant two years ago. Oh wow, look at how ungrateful I am. I complain so much but now that I think about it people do care about my birthday. My best friend came with my family to a resturant last year and got me a giant teddy bear. Here I have the nerve to complain no one cares or tries. Its no wonder I feel selfish; I am very selfish. I do help people, some of which don’t help back, but I have close friends who care. I have a mom thay cares, a sister that cares, a boyfriend that cares, friends that care. I should be happy with that, but Im not. All I ever do is complain to people and then get angry at them for the littlest things, just like my exes said. I would not be surprised if one day, everyone I know and love just left me because I am pathetic in every sense and complain about everything. I know it annoys me, which is why sometimes I want to do whatever I can to make it all go away. No, those kind of thoughts are selfish too. You see Lisa, you are so annoying and selfish. So selfish. Just shut the fuck up already.*

Most of those thoughts may seem ridiculous, and I am sure anyone who cares about me that will read this will want to slap me for thinking such insolence, but that is anxiety and what it does to the brain. It is like my normal self leaves my body and is replaced by some overly obsessive worrier that repeats the same negativity over and over and lists everything wrong with my life, even if nothing is wrong, and causes me to see nothing but negative outcomes in everything. That whole thought train was my anxiety speaking, and what I deal with on a daily basis. I wish it would go away, but it wins every battle and takes over my head too often. It keeps me up at night, it causes me to need reassurance from others constantly that everything is okay and they don’t hate me, and it causes me to have those panic attacks that seem to go on forever when I am too overwhelmed by everything.

Now tell me anxiety disorder is made up and can be easily controlled.




My Thoughts…(Announcement)

One issue I have noticed when it comes to writers, is that we focus so much in creating something perfect. While editing and revising is indeed necessary, sometimes even in the writing process, so much attention is focused on being perfect that the final product does not come out as great as it could have been. When I write creatively, I do outline, but I also release my thoughts freely and worry about editing and cutting things out or adding things in later. I find that the best thoughts and stories come out when you stop being so anxious about what you are writing from your mind freely and not worrying about perfection every moment you write.
That being said, I will be working on a mini series called “My Thoughts” where I share experiences to prove a point, and to further prove the point I will add a section that is unedited and unrevised, as it just directly will come from my mind. This shall make more sense when the series is released, and it will be released tomorrow, 10/21, through Thursday, 10/27. My first post deals with anxiety, my experiences with having it, and a look into what a thought train is like for someone with an anxiety
For those interested, please look out for a link to the first post on WordPress tomorrow which I will post tomorrow, and to follow the rest of my series and my other blog posts, like my Facebook page, Lisa Speaks Out
For the time being, you can check out my latest post ranting about Donald Trump.

“Grab Her By the Pussy”

Everyone is aware of the horrendous candidate we have running as president, Donald Trump. I am not much into politics, which is why I avoid writing about it at all costs, but it doesn’t take a political genius to know that this election is fucked. As I always say, you know the future of this country is doomed when Hilary Clinton is our best option.

Even if you do not have (or care to have) an understanding of politics like me,  you very well are aware of some of the disgusting things Donald Trump has said. From making fun of a handicapped person, to saying he would want to date his own daughter, it’s a wonder how this man is still even a candidate that people actually want to vote for. I guess it says a lot about how fucked humanity is.

This post is to address something Donald Trump recently did. Something that proves he is a sexist, disrespectful, remorseless piece of shit. As if we did not know this already.

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have probably heard of Donald Trump’s recent audio released in which he was bragging to Billy Bush about a time he attempted to make a move on a married woman despite it being against her wishes. Donald Trump dismissed this conversation as “locker room banter.” Donald Trump swears he has respect for women, and that this conversation took place a long time ago. Let’s take a look at this “locker room banter,” shall we?

“I said I’ll take you out furniture shopping. I took her out furniture.  I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there, and she was married.”

“Then all of a sudden I see her now, she’s got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.” 

“I better use some tic tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I am automatically attracted to beautiful-I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab her by the pussy….

Jesus Christ. Just a reminder, this man is running for president. The election is next month. With that being said, let me dissect this into a few points:

*Donald Trump was already with his current wife, Melania Trump, when he said all this. When meeting with the soap opera star he and Bush saw when they got off their bus, Trump hugged the star, who was an attractive young woman, and said that Melania was okay with this. Now the hug was a harmless act, as men hug women all the time. Yet speaking of women in such a manner when he is a married man, and talking of wanting to kiss any beautiful woman he sees, is disgusting. There is a fine line between looking and controlling yourself, and looking and wanting to act upon it when you know you are taken.

*Based on Trump’s choice of words, “moved on her like a bitch,” he is implying that he did not come onto her simply by asking her out or showing attraction to her. Oh no, he moved on her like a bitch. With the words, “Like a bitch” one can assume thay Trump had made a move on her intensely. If anyone, and I mean anyone, ever shows a lack of interest to your advances, you leave them alone. You don’t kiss someone unless you have their permission to do so. You do not start to unbutton someone’s clothes or stick your hand down their pants unless you have the permission to do so. You do not have the right to perform any kind of sexual act on someone unless you have the permission to do so. If someone does not give consent when they are in a sober mindset, leave them alone. You should not persist when they have already made up their mind. Who the fuck are you to decided someone is entitled to say yes to you? Pressuring someone when they have already made up their mind is equivalent to a child constantly whining, “I want it!” when their parents said no, hoping a tantrum will change their parent’s mind. Then again, Donald Trump is famous for his child-like tantrums.

*Women. Are. Not. Objects. They have feelings and wants. If that want is not kissing you, then you should respect it. You should not go and kiss someone just because it is what YOU want, and just because YOU think they are attractive. So many men pass attractive women every day that they might want to kiss, but they don’t because you CAN help yourself if you have the right amount of self-control. Not to mention the fact that he said he doesn’t even wait. It’s like a man sees a woman at a party who he thinks is entitled to her, and he doesn’t even get to know her or allow her to determine whether or not she is attracted first. He just kisses her, whether she likes it or not. You know who else uses this kind of logic, rapists. Even if he said kiss, a kiss is still a form of intimacy that you cannot share with someone who does not want it without forcing them or making them feel uncomfortable.

*The defense that this was “locker room talk” is equivalent to those who justify catcalling by claiming that they were “just being friendly.” Imagine if you were married, and some entitled fucktard with a funny-looking wig attempted to make a move on your woman knowing full well that they are married to you. He talked about her tits and gloated about how he moved on her like a bitch even after she not only noted that she was married, but also that she is not interested. There is a difference between talkng with your guys with towels wrapped around your waste as you prepare for your next game about some chick you banged (with consent) that had huge hoo-has,  and bragging about how you flopped yourself on top of that big-breasted girl by force.

*It doesn’t matter how long ago he said it. Donald Trump has proved on more occasions than one that he is a sexist, arrogant pig. There is no doubt he still has this mindset. Remember, this is a man who talks about sleeping with his daughter and belittles Hilary Clinton. Don’t even say that, “well he did apologize.” Apologies don’t fix what you did, actions do. If Trump was not a sexist piece of shit then maybe this audio could be forgiven (of course since what Trump says is similar to that of a rapist, him being forgiven is questionable) but he has not changed. He is not sorry he said what he said; rather that he got caught.


*Sure, no one is perfect, but this is a man running for president. The democracy we are promised and the freedom of this country is bullshit, but as a leader of this country, should we really have someone who makes comments that are equivalent of that of a rapist as I have analyzed? Let alone the fact that his constant tantrums prove that he should not be trusted with access to all the nuclear weapons we have. Lord knows another World War III will erupt the moment Donald Trump even steps in that office, and God forbid he does ever get elected to that office. Not to mention that he does say, “when you are a star, you can do anything.” So since he thinks that women are dumb enough to fall for any guy just because he is famous, imagine what he would think of attractive women who he can’t control himself around as president. If he slaps the ass of a young hot thing while in office, and unlike Monica Lewinsky, she is not interested in using an affair with the president to pretend that she is relevant, then he will likely use the excuse that he is the leader of this country. Never mind what she wants; that dumb bitch better bow down to the needs of the star of this country!

I am just about done attempting to talk politics, but I will say that it is a wonder why one would vote for Donald Trump on November 8th. This stunt just further proves he is the sexist, arrogant, bastard we all know and hate. Still, if Trump really wants to win, there is one effective method he could do to win these elections aside from winning the likes of hillbillies down south who fuck their cousins; he could grab them by the pussy!



Special Snowflakes versus the World


Freedom of Speech? Yeah right.

How could you preach freedom of speech when special snowflakes are triggered by every little thing they see nowadays?

What are special snowflakes? They are whiny, attention-seeking little tumblr crybabies that get offended when someone does so much as assume their gender accidentally or mention a topic they are sensitive about in a non-hurtful way.

An example? Last Saturday I posted a status about gender. I said that there are only two genders biologically, male and female. You can only have a penis or a vagina. This is true, as science can prove so with chromosomes.

Before anyone gets triggered, let me explain myself. This is something the special snowflakes who attacked me did not allow me to do. This status derived from an article I read that listed all the “genders” that currently exist on Tumblr. This included THREE HUNDRED different genders. Three hundred. Last I checked, gender is based on what genitalia you have, and if you could only have two types of genitalia, then why are there three hundred different kinds of genders?

I skimmed through the list, but I did not make it through the whole thing. I feared if I did, my IQ would drop. People identify themselves as dog-gendered, cat-gendered, decimal-gendered, and so forth. There are also genders that change depending on your mood, depending on your depression (or the self-diagnosed depression these attention-seeking special snowflakes swear they have) or depending on your period. Any sane human being knows this is ridiculous. If you want to identify as a dog, then by all means do so. Granted, people may look at you funny if you walk around on four legs and lick people, but it’s your life isn’t it? I never knocked anyone for their decision to identify as whatever otherkin they wanted; rather I was stating a FACT that dogs, cats, aliens, whateverelsespecialsnowflakescomeupwith, is NOT a gender. Scientifically, you are either male or female. Even with transgenders, they identify themselves as the male or female. Hermaphodites are both male and female, or either one if they prefer being referred to as one. There is no third gender.

That was the point I was trying to make. If those special snowflakes that commented on my status took a second to understand or ask me what I meant, I would have happily explained. Instead, they did what any social justice warrior (SJW) would do; they jumped to conclusions and got triggered. They got defensive and aggressive, which ironically enough they will cry about if you even do so much as show a bit of aggression toward them. Surely enough, the minute I retaliated, they got defensive.

I was supposed to show them sensitivity. Even though they called me closed-minded, insensitive, and immature, I was wrong for making a status on MY facebook with MY name on it that was clearly not ill-intended or harmful in any way. It would be one thing if I had threatened to murder people, or if I had called them insane and thirsty for attention, but I did not. The status did not insult anyone, and the meaning behind it was what I explained above.

What do I know though? I am just a Cisgendered, priveleged, -mostly- white, straight young woman. That is the logic of these tumblrinas, they can judge you, but you can’t judge or offend them.

Just like how believing there are only two genders makes me “closed-minded.” Never mind that I am not the least bit racist, homophobic, or transphobic. I treat everyone equally and believe no one should be treated differently because of their race, sexual preference, religious beliefs, and so forth. I do not even oppose of transgenders. I believe if a woman believes she is be a man, or a man believes he is a woman, then they can go and be whatever they desire. The point I was arguing was that once you believe you are an animal, that what you are changes with your mood, or that you are a freaking math symbol, you are NOT referring to your gender. Biologically, that it is impossible because anything concerning gender, is male or female. I cannot stress that enough.

If you still don’t believe me, then that is fine. Just as I have the freedom to post about this on MY blog and on MY facebook, you have the freedom to believe what you want to. Just don’t insult people in the process the minute they don’t agree with you. Not everyone will be as nice as I was, not everyone will express their opinion in a way that is not harmful to anyone other than crybabies who come on the internet expecting everyone to care if their feelings are hurt, and not everyone in life will guise their opinion in fear of hurting someone.

I do agree some people take it too far, but there is nothing “dangerous” about posting to a public site about gender just because you don’t agree with it. The only “dangerous” issue in this case is people expecting to make it in the real world with that mindset that everyone will be respectful of your feelings, and that everyone who does not agree with is “closed-minded.” I am sensitive, not as sensitive as these special snowflakes, but I have learned the hard way with how sensitive I am that not everyone cares about your feelings and will be harsh to you just for the hell of it.

To anyone who reacted to my post in a rude way, to anyone who responds to any opinion in a negative way, and to anyone who expects people to care whether or not they are triggered, grow the hell up. Just like you have the freedom to pretend you are alien-gendered and feel raped because a man accidentally touched your hand while handing you your order at Starbucks, people have the freedom to disagree with you in a respectful way and to publicly speak of whatever they want. If this offends you, go cry to your Tumblr blog about it because truthfully, that is your only safe space. No one else gives a shit if you are offended or not. Welcome to reality.