Monthly Archives: July 2016

Fuck You

One of my last words to you were “fuck you.”
Fuck you for ever opening the door to a world where only agony exists and I can no longer feel pleasure without questioning motives or anxiously reading every action. Fuck you for luring me into your trap just to toss me away like a used napkin after I fell hard. Fuck you for tearing through my thick skin and molding me into this vulnerable little girl. Fuck you for stripping away my innocence, physically and mentally, and exposing my naive, fragile soul to the cruelty of the world. Fuck you for taking for granted the ugly parts of me I unveiled to you out of trust and then refusing to pick up the extra broken pieces you added. Fuck you for all the mind games you played until you had me fooled that the emotional rollercoaster ride you put me on was my fault. Fuck you for giving me a taste of Heaven just to put me through Hell. Fuck you for the times I confided in you with my desires, all of which derived from you, to swallow a bottle of pills just for you to enable it. Fuck you for stringing me along for months on months just to find that you would rather be with her. Fuck you for every single time you made me feel like I was not enough, for every single time I blamed myself for your actions and for believing I deserved your poor treatment toward me because there was something wrong with me. Fuck you for the fact that even though two years have past and you are long gone the impact you left on me is everlasting.
Fuck you.

Happy

Happiness is the American dream. The attractive, intellictual spouse and your own, beautiful house. Waking up to the sounds of your children running about and the dog you dreamed of since you were a child being for a walk. Getting in that car that you never once imagined you’d have and driving to your dream job that is the reason you have nine digits in your bank account.

Happiness is the smoke I puff out my lungs. Happiness is knowing I can no longer be hurt because I am and always will be alone. Happiness is waking up to no one by my side that I have to worry will no longer be by my side once they have made any use of me that they desired. Happiness is staying in that same bed an alienating myself from those people I call friends that make me want to tie a noose around my neck. Happiness is getting through the day without shedding a tear or a trigger to a panic attack. Happiness is those pills I swallow to erase these horredous thoughts from my mentally ill “psychotic” mind. Happiness is just surviving through another day without giving into those dark innermost desires I have in which I mask with this pseudo-happiness.