At least that’s what I perceived you as when I first saw you; the boy with the beautiful brown eyes and dark hair. Through those eyes I wonder what you perceived me as. I concluded that I was merely a girl that was always around your friends to you.A few weeks ago, a friend of mine had said something that stuck out to me. They told me that I was infatuated with living my life as a character from a novel. In other words, I am so invested in my writing that I create a person’s for myself based on who I desire to be instead of who I truly am.
Does this mean I was ever dishonest to you? No, for I was only dishonest to myself for a few months. I allowed one guy from my past whom is the influence of my many stories and trust issues impact me in such a way that I developed a mindset that I could become a man-eater that could have a one night stand on a Saturday night, then be onto the next by Sunday. No strings attached. Move along.
Perhaps, this vicious, cold man-eater is what you viewed me as. I gave you that one cold, December night, then shoved you away and went on about my life.
All it took, however, was that one night with you to realize that was not me at all. What ensued for those following months was attempts at hookups that failed so bad I would flake just before I could even meet them in person. Perhaps it was also the fact that I did not want to become the victim of an online murder story or obtain a disease, but I also knew I could not have meaningless sex, for I only desired to sleep with someone of value as opposed to feeding into my temptations with someone who I could care less about what their name is or what their hopes and dreams are. It’s just who I am, and no amount of liquor consumed or weed in my lungs could change that.
Why then, was it you? Why had I allowed myself to go as far as it did as backing out as I did to any other male? Why had my mind always trailed back to you, and why had I desired to speak to you when I knew that I had come off as a user in your eyes? Why did my heart skip a beat when I saw your name or when you called me beautiful and spoke as sweetly to me as any other guy did?
Why, the answer was in silver lining that I attempted to blind myself from; I caught feelings for you.
I convinced myself that I was confusing list for genuine feelings. This, however, was not true.
Considering the outcome, I would say that pouring my feelings out to you is worthless. We already established that a romance will not bud out of this and my god how I wish that I could flip a switch and turn off these feelings that came to be bigger than I had hoped. How I wish that my memories of that night became as foggy as the clouds of smoke we puffed. How I wish that stupid little things like pineapple on pizza or ridiculous stoner movies on Netflix didn’t trigger my thoughts of you. How I wish I could talk to you and only feel platonic feelings as you do with me or anytime I saw you I didn’t have the urge to kiss you. How I wish that I didn’t feel more jealous than I am willing to admit at the thought of you with another girl. How I wish I could have believed that you had nothing but ill intentions with me just so I could let go.
I nearly compared you to that one guy who took advantage of me years ago, yet that was unfair. You are not him, and you are not accountable for my agonizing past. You have hurt me yet none of it was anywhere near as cruel as what he had done to me. I only wish you had made your decision before that warm April night where we were intimate once more which caused my feelings to grow.
Regardless, however, I have no regrets with what happened between us. Perhaps being intimate with you was what I had desire all along and the feelings were developing from the moment I first met you in person, yet I ignored them because you being attracted to me seemed so surreal.
I only wish such strong feelings didn’t develop from those nights, and that I didn’t look at you and find you so damn attractive. I wish I could believe that you used me and led me on as I have been warned so that these feelings would go away, and that I wasn’t so darn kind-hearted that I saw the good in everyone. I wish I didn’t hold all of this and the tears in just so that I don’t appear so vulnerable to you, and instead express my feelings in this prose. I wish that I did not embrace these feelings or have the desire to be in arms when we have already established that a relationship will not do either of us any good.
I wish that feelings could be controlled and that this all didn’t hurt so damn much.
-Lisa Marie Wolf