What If 

When it comes to feelings, I often guise them. I allow myself to become aware of them just enough until I shove them aside. Rarely ever do I express myself to most people. That’s the way I live my life, reserved. 

Sure, I interact with people, yet often it’s forced. I do not mean forced as in, ‘I don’t want to talk to you,’ but rather ‘I would love to talk to you but I lack the ability to keep conversations going or even initiate them for that matter.’ It’s the same for many people in my life; between friends, coworkers, family members, and classmates. I enjoy being around quite a few people, but rarely ever will I easily find the right words to say. 

One of these days I’ll touch upon the perks and downsides of being introverted, but this blog is specifically for a situation where being socially awkward can only cause harm. 

We have all had that one person who we become attracted to but become unsure of how to pursue it. We see them every day, yet we struggle just to get even one syllable out to them. If you are lucky enough to push out a word, it may just be something basic such as ‘excuse me’ or ‘thank you’, maybe even a simple conversation if you can get over your nerves enough. You can never, however, seem to strike up a conversation that might actually intrigue them since saying ‘hello’ was difficult enough. You do little things to try and get their attention, you are ecstatic to see them, and you find yourself hoping to run into them as much as possible, but that’s all. You are so overpowered by your nerves, that you lack the confidence to take the next step yourself. You know that this person could not possibly gain interest in you if you barely speak to them or if they just see you as another acquaintance, but you don’t know how to handle it. Eventually, the other person might find someone else or they might leave your life. You are then left wondering ‘what if’. The feelings you had for them turn into a less intense form of heartbreak. 

These kind of crushes happen when you are a child experiencing these kinds of feelings for the first time. They may also happen a few times when you get older, but very rarely as most adults take initiative at some point. Growing up shy, I had plenty of these crushes, and still do. Most of my relationships started with people I already was close with and did not have feelings for until after. 

So when I am faced with feelings for someone I am not close with, acting upon it becomes impossible. 

While I have no time for a relationship right now and while the past few I have been involved with ended in a horrible mess, I still manage to find someone that caught my interest. 

Someone who I cannot find the right words to say to whenever I’m around him. Someone who I find myself smiling around for no reason. Someone who I make any excuse to be around when possible even if I’m not saying much. Someone who would not expect it since I show very little signs around him. Someone who I think about a lot. Someone who unknowingly makes me feel a way no one has made me feel in a while. 

Someone who I will no longer see much of after a few days. 

I find myself wishing that I were not so quiet and that I had the confidence to take risks. I find myself wishing that I could just give someone a chance as opposed to allowing my insecurities to get the best of me and assume the worst. I don’t want this to be a what-if, I want to actually know what the outcome would be, unlike the childish crushes I once had. I am starting to grow up too much to let shyness be the excuse that I don’t take action on my feelings for this person. The worst he could possibly do is say no, and I’d take that over spending my life wondering what could have been. 

Of course I had plenty of weeks and chances to take action but I always made excuses not to and now it’s just about time for it to be too late. 

I convince myself to just let it go. To just gain more confidence next time. I don’t usually get feelings like this so easily, yet whenever I do I almost always do nothing about it and then say ‘maybe next time’. I use the ‘he’s probably not interested’ excuse when I never even tried. 

I just would like to not have another ‘what-if’ situation. 

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