Here I am writing yet another post about a guy. I’ve been finding myself struggling to move on and quite frankly I can’t understand why. He was never mine, and we were not involved for long. We only saw each other a few times, and we were not exactly close. We barely spoke since the incident, and I have distanced myself entirely from him. Even after cutting all ties with him, I still find myself overwhelmed with emotions, the most prominent being anger and hurt.
I didn’t want to be angry with him. It is so easy for me to feel anger toward the men that did me wrong, but with him it was complex.
Truth is, I didn’t want to write about him. He is not the first guy I have “talked” to or had feelings for since my ex-boyfriend (the one who I wrote about a lot the past two years). I wanted to just let it go and move on like I have with those other men. I also did not want to stir the pot, especially since he and I have a lot of mutual friends. Despite the fact that he was dishonest with me and flat out disrespected me, I still wanted to protect him and did not want to add onto his stress because I cared about him. Shit, I still care about him even though I shouldn’t.
But at what point do my feelings get factored in?
He never made me feel like I was overreacting or snapped at me for getting angry at him, so I’ll give him that. In fact, he did do kind things for me, but it does not negate the pain he caused me. I am not posting this as a way to “get revenge.” I just want to work through my feelings and move on from this situation, and writing has always helped me heal from hurtful situations. I also do not wish to turn anyone against him, though I am pretty sure most people don’t even know who I am talking about because I don’t plan to refer to him by name. I know a lot of people respect him, and that is okay. I just feel like that is also one thing that has been holding me back from being honest about my own experience with him. It doesn’t matter how nice someone was to you before or how others see them. At the end of the day, he hurt me, and I am beginning to accept that I have every right to be angry with him because of my own personal experience with him and I will no longer let anyone else invalidate my feelings. I also won’t let anyone accuse me of being too dramatic because even if what happened doesn’t seem like a big deal, it was to me.
This “fallout” (if you can call it that) took place about two months ago, but it wasn’t until about a week ago I allowed myself to reflect on what he did, accept the anger I felt toward him, and decide to cut off all contact with him. I was angry and hurt after it happened, but I repressed it. It was partially because of the reasons above, but it was also because I cared more for his feelings than I did my own. I also allowed my feelings for him control how I reacted to what he did, and I did not want to upset him.
It did seem like he really cared and really liked me at first though. I mean, I did develop an attraction to him for a reason. When we first met last summer, I intended on being friends with him. I wasn’t looking to be involved with anyone, and I did not develop any kind of feelings right away. I thought he was a kind person, especially since he went out his way to approach me when we first met, but I thought we would just be good friends and nothing more. The more we interacted though, the more I began to develop feelings for him. He seemed really sweet and caring, and he cheered me up in more ways than he knew during one of our first conversations online. He would check up on me every few days, and we kept trying to hang out (though my busy schedule did not allow me to.) It was fairly obvious that he had some feelings for me at first whenever we spoke online. At first, I was iffy about going after him, but the more we talked, the more I developed a crush on him. I eventually decided, “fuck it, I’m going to just go for it.”
In the beginning, I believed that I made the right choice, and I don’t regret giving him a chance. I only regret that I didn’t walk away sooner and that I let myself develop strong feelings for him so quickly.
We began seeing each other a few months ago. It was casual, yet things seemed to go well from the start whenever we were together. He was kind to me, and he seemed to genuinely care about my well-being. He always made sure I got home safe, and he was always asking if I was okay. He always listened to my vents, and he was respectful whenever I mentioned that something he did bothered me. He seemed supportive of me, as he would understand if I was busy with school and he mentioned reading some of my writing. He brought me around his friends and I got along with them pretty quickly. He seemed understanding when I told him that I wasn’t ready to be intimate with him yet and didn’t openly pressure me into it. In fact, one thing I will admit is that he never tried to force himself on me, and anything that happened between us was entirely consensual. He never argued with me, nor did he make me feel like I was a bother when I asked to see him or wanted to talk to him. He always cheered me up whenever I was feeling sad, and when he was feeling sad he swore that my messages that I sent to him to cheer him up were the most “endearing” out of all the messages he received. He saw me on my birthday when I told him that I had no plans that day. He was always affectionate with me whenever we saw each other, which was especially a plus for me because I love physical affection. He would say cute things for the first few weeks to me that I believed confirmed his feelings for me. He seemed to be honest about his intentions with me, as he told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship right now but he really liked me.
In spite of these many great qualities he had and these affirmations that seemed to prove that he liked me, I told myself that I would take it slow with him at first. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes that I made in past relationships where I rushed right into it and I didn’t want to allow myself to fall so easily. I got hurt so many times in the past and I wanted to protect my heart this time, so I told myself that the moment I saw red flags, I would leave. That was easy to do with any guy that I liked or talked to since my last relationship. I managed to control my feelings for them, and I moved on quickly the moment it became apparent that we weren’t a match. With this guy, however, this wasn’t the case. With each time we saw each other and spoke to each other, I felt my feelings getting stronger.
I began to find myself looking forward to seeing him and speaking to him. Whenever he messaged me or I got a notification from him, I felt my heart skip a beat and a smile form across my face. I enjoyed when he finally began to open up to me because I liked learning more about him. I found myself really caring about him and wanting him to be happy. When he was going through a tough time, I found myself worrying about his well-being for days. In turn, I found myself growing comfortable with him to a point where I began to open up to him about things I haven’t told many people. It’s hard for me to open up and be outgoing around people, yet I found that I was growing comfortable around him. The past few guys I found myself attracted to ended up being purely for physical reasons, yet for him it went beyond that. Yes, I loved the physical affection I received from him, but I began to realize that I deeply cared for him and my feelings were growing stronger.
I didn’t want catching those strong feelings so quickly, and yet it happened. It was at a point where, though I knew I still did not know him well enough to get into a relationship with him yet, I began to see it as a possibility in the future when we were both ready. This realization hit me as early as after the second (third?) date where it went so well that I was over the moon. It was that “Oh crap, I think I really like him.” moment that was terrifying and beautiful at the same time. Terrifying because, for the first time in years I was in the vulnerable state that catching feelings puts you in, and beautiful because I realized that I was capable of feeling a connection with someone else again.
In spite of my feelings developing more and all the positive qualities he had, however, there was still a gut feeling I had that grew stronger as time passed. It appeared after our first date, even though nothing had happened that could cause me to have any bad feelings about him. The feeling lingered from time to time, but I ignored it because I wanted to give him a chance and because he had not given me any reason to doubt him.
I continued to see him and speak to him, and it wasn’t until about three weeks into seeing each other that this gut feeling began to grow stronger. We spent a night together, and even though nothing bad happened, I felt terrible the next morning. I wanted to speak to him about it, but I also did not want to offend him and I could not pinpoint what exactly was causing me to feel like something was wrong with us. I wanted to be happy because we had a great time together, but instead I felt sad and confused for the next few days. I even began to question if I should continue seeing him, but I decided to continue to do so because of stubbornness and because, as I have reiterated, I could not think of a legit reason to stop seeing him other than that gut feeling. I eventually brushed it off as PTSD from past relationships and fear that things with him, regardless of how great they seemed, would end up like every other situationship or relationship I was in.
It didn’t help that he told me that he was not ready or looking to be in a relationship. Sure, I agreed that we still did not know each other enough to be in a relationship yet and I was unsure if I was ready myself, but hearing him say that brought back memories of a situation where a guy I was seeing (who I also wrote about in my first post on this blog back in 2015) said the same thing, and after months of stringing me along and allowing me to fall harder for him with empty promises that he would eventually want to date me, he decided to kick me to the curb and get into a relationship with another girl instead. He had not been honest about his intentions with me and decided to keep seeing me even though he knew I wanted a relationship and he just wanted someone to fuck around with. He did tell me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship as well, but that he liked me and saw us possibly dating in the future right up until he began to date that other girl. Hearing this new guy say the same words made me fear that I was about to end up in the same situation. I decided to brush away the fear, however, and go against my gut feeling. It still lingered on and off, but it didn’t come back strongly again until the red flags became more conspicuous.
Before I go on, I just want make it clear that I am aware that we were not in an exclusive relationship, and that he didn’t owe me anything. I am aware that we were not committed to each other, and he had free reign to see other people. That is not why I am mad at him. In fact, I opened up to him about having a crush on someone else while seeing him. I am aware that I didn’t have to tell him, but I felt guilty if I didn’t tell him. I did genuinely like him more than the other person I had a crush on, but I still felt like he should know if I was going to keep my options open. That was my choice, yes, but he also vowed to be honest with me too if he was going to see someone else.
I am also aware that feelings change sometimes when you are seeing someone. Sometimes, you like someone at first, but as you continue to see them, you may realize that it’s not working out or your feelings may go away. It’s a part of dating. However, I think it is better to be honest and tell the other person that you are no longer feeling it instead of just ghosting them or leading them on. I also think you should be honest about your intentions.
Finally, I will admit that I probably liked him more than he liked me, and I caught feelings way too fast. I also tried to keep seeing him even when it became abundantly clear that I was trying harder to continue seeing him than he was. I also foolishly believed that I was fine with us remaining casual and just having fun when I knew deep down that my feelings for him were becoming stronger than that. That is where I was wrong. However, it does not negate what he did.
It didn’t help that he knew what I’ve been through in the past. He saw some of my recent blogs, so he knew what I went through with my ex. I also opened up to him about many things, including the guy I saw that led me on and used me for sex until he found someone else. He listened to me, he never judged, and he never pressured me into telling him things I didn’t want to, so I began to believe that he was someone I could trust. I don’t open up to people easily, but there was just something about him that made me feel comfortable quickly, and I think that comfort drew me in to him even more.
The more we began to open up to each other, however, the more distant he became toward me. During the final two weeks of us seeing each other, that gut feeling became stronger. It began to seem like I was the one always initiating seeing each other and talking to each other. I didn’t expect him to talk to me every day or see me every day, but it also felt like I was the one trying to keep things going. He went from messaging me every other day to barely at all unless I spoke to him, and I became the one asking to go out. It was uncomfortable because I was unsure if I was bothering him or if I seemed absolutely pathetic. I also didn’t want to seem like I was needy or desperate, so I let it be. Due to past trauma with my ex, I also have a hard time expressing myself out of fear of being yelled at or called crazy, so I kept my mouth shut. Even if he never gave me any reason to believe I had to feel like I was walking on eggshells around him, there was still always that fear that I was being too clingy.
When we did see each other one more time, things seemed normal between us. He was affectionate as usual, and he still swore that he liked me. He did behave a bit off, but I wrote it off as him just being tired. The gut feeling about him grew overwhelmingly strong after we saw each other that day, but I pushed it away. I also had a dream the night before where he was hiding something from me, and it turned out to be something hurtful. I told him about this dream, and we joked about it because I didn’t believe that it could possibly be true. However, it did end up foreshadowing that he was hiding something from me, and I found out about a week later.
During the week leading up to me finding out, he was more distant than ever. He seemed to be going through a tough time, so I did not want to bother him. I sent him a long message to let him know that I was there for him if he wanted to talk, which he seemed to appreciate, and left him alone for a few days. I worried heavily about his well-being and hoped that he would open up, but I also didn’t want to push him. A few days later, I found out that we were both going to be at an event that weekend. I messaged him asking if he wanted to meet up, and he agreed to meet up on the last day. I thought it was weird that he never mentioned to me that he was going to the event since I mentioned to him that I was going a few times. I also found it weird that he didn’t want to meet up until the last day. I know he wasn’t obligated to see me every day of the event, but it still rubbed me the wrong way since we were seeing each other and becoming closer at this point. I didn’t voice this concern to him, though, out of fear of coming off as needy or annoying as I have in the past. I agreed to wait until the last day to see him, and left it at that.
I did enjoy myself at the event, but the situation with him sat in my mind. I didn’t want to obsess over it or let it ruin the event for me, but something didn’t feel right. I spoke to my friends about my situation with him, and they warned me that something was definitely off. I decided to meet up with him on the last day anyway as planned, and hoped that it would at least just be a fun day. I could worry about what would happen next after, and maybe my gut feeling was just a result of paranoia.
I hadn’t heard from him that whole weekend, and we never ran into each other. I still messaged him the morning of the day we were supposed to meet up to let me know when he got there, and he agreed. I hung out with some other friends when I got there, and never heard from him. Time passed, and there was only two hours left of the event. I finally decided to message him to see if he was there. He responded that he had been there for a while and agreed to meet up with me. I was slightly annoyed, but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt since you can lose track of time and get distracted by other things at those kinds of events.
When we did meet up, he kissed me and said he had missed me, so I assumed everything was fine. Everything did seem normal between us at first, aside from him stepping away and having me wait for him for a half hour, until we went and met up with some of his friends, including this one girl who I never met before. At that moment, I definitely had a terrible feeling in my gut that something was about to happen. When they hugged, she held onto him for a while, and then things got awkward when I walked toward the two of them. I tried to ignore the horrible feeling I was getting, but I also wanted to give him a chance to be honest if there was something going on. I really didn’t want to believe that he would be careless enough to see two girls at the same time and then have them meet each other without at least explaining it to either of us.
The whole interaction between me, him, and the other girl was awkward, and I barely remember anything other than that the he acted like I wasn’t even there, but I was still nice to her. I didn’t want to come off as jealous over nothing, and I really was trying hard to convince myself that nothing was going on. She also was not rude to me in any way, he was the one who was embarrassing me by ignoring me and putting me in this situation. I had to insert myself into the conversation to avoid just standing there as he playfully argued with her. At some point, he said to me right in front of her that there was nothing romantic between them because I said that I thought she was cool. This seemed like such a random thing to say, almost as if he was saying that to cover something up. This whole mess of a conversation came to an end when he hugged me and apologized for accidentally getting loud near my bad ear. I kissed him, which I assumed was not an issue since we kissed in front of his friends before. Usually, he had no issue with it, but this time he said, “not in front of everyone.” At this point, I knew something was wrong, so I told him that I wanted to go sit down and walk away.
The discomfort was becoming overwhelming at that point. I had no issue with respecting someone’s preference not to publicly display affection, but we were only around his friends and he usually didn’t mind being openly affectionate around his friends. Still, when he came to sit with me, I had a hard time expressing what was bothering me. I did not want to seem paranoid or insecure, so I tried to pretend that I was okay. He kept on asking what was wrong, so I admitted to him that his comment about me kissing him in front of the others bothered him. He claimed that it was because of someone else there, but I was able to sense the real reason why it bothered him so much. Eventually, he finally admitted that him and the other girl did like each other.
At that moment, my heart sank. I felt a pain in my chest that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. At the time, I couldn’t understand why this hurt me so much. Again, he wasn’t my boyfriend, and we had not been involved for a long time. I wanted to hide my pain out of fear of being deemed unreasonable and because I didn’t want to make him feel guilty (even though he had lacked any regard for my feelings, I still put his feelings over my own.) I also hate crying in front of other people, but I couldn’t hold back my hurt and disappointment anymore. His friends and the girl were still around, so we decided to go somewhere else to speak privately.
One thing I will credit him for is not raising his voice at me or making me feel like my feelings were not justified. He heard me out and he didn’t get mad at me for expressing how upset I was. I began to cry, which was humiliating, but he just hugged me. I wasn’t used to a guy being so understanding when I was angry about something, which made it even harder to be mad at him. I still snapped at him, though, and expressed anything that came to mind. He listened, and he tried to explain why he did what he did. Hearing his excuses did make me feel bad for him, but I also reached a point where I realized that my feelings were not entirely being taken into consideration. I spent so much time trying hard not to upset him and worrying about his feelings that I repressed my own. Meanwhile, he didn’t care enough for my feelings to be honest with me, and instead allowed me to be put in this situation where I had to find out for myself by watching him with another girl. I also spent the week worrying about him and thinking that everything was okay between us while he wasn’t even thinking of me at all.
What made things even worse was that, even in that moment, he still was telling me lies. He tried to convince me that he liked me more than he liked her, and that he had stronger feelings for me than anyone else he liked. (Though he claimed that me and that girl were the only ones he liked, so that was also a lie.) He also tried to claim that his feelings for her will probably go away in a few days. I knew he was bullshitting and just telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me around, and I wasn’t falling for his games anymore. He further proved that all these things he said about having stronger feelings for me were bullshit when he left me alone to go talk to her even though I was still upset and it was already late. I refused to allow myself to beg him to stay with me, so I just let him walk away and got myself an Uber.
I hated how much this hurt me and the thoughts that ran through my mind afterward. I took a cab home and cried the whole way home. I hated that I felt so much agony over someone who I had only been seeing for a short time, and I hated that I ended up getting hurt yet again. I tried to speak to a few close friends about it, and their reassurance did help me out a lot. However, I still cried, and I still found myself dealing with an awful pain in my chest and stomach for the next two days. It was the same pain I experienced whenever I faced a major disappointment or letdown by someone who I trusted.
For the next few weeks, I found myself more upset than I was willing to admit. I repressed a lot of the anger for his sake, and because I did not feel that it was justified. Anytime any negative emotion would come up about the situation, I would find myself repressing it and considering myself ridiculous for feeling such a way.
I felt jealousy that he chose the other girl over me, yet I considered this ridiculous because we were never in a relationship. I felt deceived, yet this felt ridiculous because he didn’t owe me anything. I felt anger toward him, yet this felt ridiculous because, again, he didn’t owe me anything and I allowed myself to be played by him. I felt hurt, yet this felt ridiculous because we were not seeing each other for a long time, and it could have been a lot worse. I felt anger at myself because I was mad at him, and for allowing this situation and the negative thoughts toward myself that derived from it to dominate my mind. I felt like this was karma coming back to me for something shitty I did in the past. I began to question my own worth since yet another guy hurt me, and this was a guy who I heard nothing but good things about. I began to blame and question myself, and if there was something wrong with me that made people want to hurt me like this. I was aware that this was such a ridiculous and toxic train of thought, especially since I vowed to never lose myself over or determine my self-worth over another man ever again, yet it still remained in my mind.
As I continued to repress my anger, I continued to keep him in my life. In the past two years, I found it easy to cut people off the moment they hurt me. I was tired of giving second chances to people, just to have them take it for granted. When it came to him, though, I couldn’t seem to. I still remained friends with him on social media, we still messaged occasionally, and we still reacted to each other’s posts. I still had some underlying anger, but I did still care about him. I still wanted to talk to him, and I still wanted to have him in my life. My feelings for him were also still there even after what happened, especially whenever I received a notification from him. I knew deep down that I could not continue pursuing him since I could no longer trust him to be honest with me, yet I still found myself unable to let go of these feelings no matter how much I tried to ignore them. I knew that the only way to move on was to distance myself from him by cutting off contact with him, but I could not get myself to do it.
Though it took me a few weeks, I eventually figured out why. It was the same reason why I could not let go of guys who meant a lot to me in the past no matter how badly they hurt me. As I mentioned, it’s hard for me to warm up to people, yet with him I felt so comfortable quickly. He came into my life when I was feeling sad and depressed, and he was so friendly, caring, and easy to talk to. He was also very affectionate with me, which is something I often find myself yearning for due to having a lack of affection in my life.
Of course, not all of my reasons for becoming attached to him so easily were this superficial. He was also so sweet and understanding with me to a point where, even after he hurt me, he was still nice to me. In the past, when I discovered that a guy was not being honest with me, he would snap at me for calling him out or confronting him. This guy, however, never snapped at me or made me feel like my feelings were invalid. He apologized many times, allowed me to express myself, and wanted there to be peace between us. He even seemed to understand that what he did was wrong, and he seemed genuinely sorry for hurting me. I am glad he was understanding, it just made it harder for me to be mad at him or let him go.
There is something that a friend told me, however, that resonated with me. Hurt is still hurt, and just because someone is nicely hurting you doesn’t take away from them hurting you. Yes, he was kind to me and seemed to be upset that he hurt me, but he still was dishonest to me at the end of the day. He still could have told me that he did not want to continue seeing each other or that he just wanted to have fun instead of distancing himself from me without warning and only seeing me or speaking to me if I asked. I was always honest with him about how I was feeling and gave him so many chances to be honest with me, but he wasn’t. He also could have told me that he wanted to be with the other girl at the event instead of keeping me waiting and then putting me in an awkward situation where I met the other girl and then was treated like I didn’t even exist by him. He also left me on my own when it was already late and I was still visibly upset, and even if he didn’t know what else to do in the moment, it was still a crappy thing to do.
I also know that so many people consider him a nice person, and maybe he is. I could say that he exposed his true colors to me, but I didn’t get to know him long enough or well enough to say that this dishonest and hurtful person is truly who he is. Maybe this was just a fuckup, since making mistakes and hurting other people is inevitable in life. At the end of the day, however, I am still entitled to my perception of him based on my experiences with him. He could be a good person, but he still was not good to me in the end.
After reflecting and reaching this realization, I finally allowed myself to feel anger toward him. I also knew what I needed to do, and I needed to do it before I changed my mind yet again. I sent him a message expressing how I felt, and I did so in a way that was blunt but not obscene. I do not recall my exact message to him, but I remember that I told him that what he did hurt me badly, that he was in the wrong, and that I needed to distance myself from him. After I sent him the message, I almost expected him to go off on me and became anxious as I saw him typing a response to my message. However, he simply told me that he understood, that me distancing myself from him was the best course of action, and that this was what he deserved. I quickly blocked him on everything, deleted his number from my phone, and deleted our conversation history on Facebook Messenger to avoid causing myself anymore pain.
After I blocked him, I felt both relief and sadness. Relief because I did what had to be done in order for me to be able to move on, and sadness because I still did care for and have feelings for him. However, I had to do what was best for me, even if it was something that was difficult to do.
I started writing this blog post about a month ago just after I blocked him, but I stopped for numerous reasons. The top reasons were that I feared that he would see it and get angry, that I wasn’t ready to speak about it, and that people would think that I was overreacting. However, I decided to just go for it. The purpose of my blog is to speak out on things that are bothering me on a medium that is non-judgmental and therapeutic for me.
I still do find myself thinking about him from time to time, and I still find myself hurting over the situation sometimes. I do not hate him though, and I do not wish anything bad for him. I do hope that he does not make the same mistakes and hurt someone else like he did me, and I do hope that he is doing better. I cannot say, however that I want to see or speak to him anytime soon, and I cannot say that I have forgiven him yet. I also know that my feelings for him are still lingering, and I do not want to allow them to put me in a hurtful situation with him again.
I am glad that, though there were many things I could have done better, I managed to remove myself from the situation instead of staying in it like I would have in the past. I did not make any bad decisions and I took time to reflect on why I became attached so quickly and why this situation was affecting me so much. While I have made progress when it comes to dating, this situation also made me realize that I have ways to go before I can date anyone again, even casually. There is still a lot of trauma lingering from my ex that causes me to repress my emotions and expect the worst from other people too quickly. I also still have a lot of issues with co-dependency and self-confidence that cause me to depend on other people for self-validation, and that cause me to lose my sense of self and question my worth when someone does me wrong. Even though I am moving on from him and working on valuing myself, I still find myself sometimes question why I wasn’t good enough or why he thought that it was okay to just hurt me like that. I also have a lot of trust issues from my past relationships and friendships, and this situation certainly didn’t help. I push people away a lot these days due to past trauma, and the some of the few people I do let in anymore, including him, often seem to let me down. It makes me wonder sometimes if I am worth anyone’s honesty since people would rather hurt me with lies or simply keep me in the dark about things than just be honest about their intentions and how they are feeling about me.
The truth hurts, but dishonesty hurts even more.