Hope

It’s been three months since I posted my blog entitled “Not Okay.” I also posted a blog nearly a month later that reflected the sadness I was experiencing. I started a series called “Reasons to Smile” and it did help me a lot. There was a period of time where I was beginning to feel like myself again, but I fell down from that high as quickly as I rose up to it, and I am back to feeling lost and alone again.

I have been keeping to myself a lot lately. I did not want to sound like a broken record, and I know my friends have their own crap to worry about. On top of that, I have not had much desire to go out or speak to anyone lately. It is partially due to me not wanting people to see me at such a low point, and partially because a lot of interactions I have been having with other people lately has been negative. As a result, I’ve been spending more time at home because communicating with others, even small interactions with merchants in stores, has become tedious.

It has been three years since I felt like this. I have suffered from depression since I was thirteen, but this is the first time since 2017 that it has hit me this hard for such a long period of time. When I was experiencing that depressive episode in 2017, at least I knew why. This depressive episode began last July, and has gotten worse since. I think these past few weeks have been where it has hit its peak. I have found myself crying more than usual (even when I have no real reason to cry), becoming more sensitive, and having to push myself to keep on going every day. I have been spending more time in bed than ever, and I have not been the least bit productive lately. I find it hard to focus on things, even the things that make me happy. I have been isolating myself from others, and whenever I go outside I have to push myself for over an hour to do so.

Even though I don’t feel like talking to anyone, I also find myself wanting to open up to someone about all of this. I know that no one can take my depression away, but I have felt more alone than ever. I know that is my own fault for not being open about how I am feeling and for pushing everyone away, but the feeling of loneliness is one of the things that have been making me feel even more depressed. This is also something that I have repressed because I do not want to seem selfish as I always say, nor do I want anyone to feel sorry for me. I also do not want anyone to worry about my safety. I feel so sad, so hopeless, and sometimes find myself questioning if I could keep on going, but the truth is, I know deep down that I don’t want to give up. I want to keep going, but it’s hard to when there is so much pain and sadness within me that won’t seem to go away, and it’s hard when these thoughts that I keep on trying to push away keep on coming back.

It’s not like I haven’t been trying to do better. I have been pushing myself to go outside for a few hours at least once a week. I have been going to the gym more and trying to eat better. I have been trying to do things that make me happy, such as playing video games or writing. I have been trying to talk to friends whenever I get the chance about other things to take my mind off the depression. I also have been trying to talk to God more. I do go to therapy and I have been keeping up with my meds. I have even tried to push away the negative thoughts when they come and cut out the negative people in my life. This depression always manages to sneak its way back in, however, and I am getting sick of never feeling better no matter what I do.

There is a song called “In My Blood” by Shawn Mendes that I listen to whenever I am feeling depressed. He says, “Sometimes, I feel like giving up but I just can’t/It isn’t in my blood.” That song, especially that line, perfectly goes with how I have been feeling. As I said, I don’t want genuinely want to give up. I want to be myself again, I want to be genuinely happy, I want these bad thoughts to go away, I want to stop feeling so alone, and I want the pain to go away. I have been holding onto hope that one day it will get better, but it’s hard when nothing I do seems to be working right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being Single

One thing I never understood was why choosing to be single and not be involved with anyone is frowned upon, especially for young women. If a young women decides to stay single, people assume that there is something wrong with her, that she’s “crazy”, or that no one wants to date her. They try to pressure her to try dating and see what’s out there. She will be reminded that she is already in her twenties, and that her “clock” is ticking before she is no longer considered sexy or desirable and she can no longer reproduce. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t want to have kids or if she is trying to focus on find herself in her youth before even thinking about dating.

When I declared that I was going to stay single for a while, people were happy for me since I was always one to jump from one situation to the other without taking some time to be alone. However, that was over two years ago, and the pressure is now on for me to date again. The truth is though, I don’t want to date. I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone or casually involved with anyone right now. But whenever I tell people these days that I am choosing not to date at all, it is always the same thing. People look at me like I’m weird, like I just declared something completely absurd or unheard of. It’s at a point where I am beginning to question if there is something wrong with me for not being in the mood to be with anyone at all right now.

I did try dating a few months ago, as I wrote in my last blog, and it made me realize that I am not ready to date at all. I still have many insecurities and mannerisms I have when it comes to dating that I need to work on, such as trusting too easily, ignoring red flags, and putting all my self-worth on the other person. I also am in no mood to spend time getting to know someone just to wind up hurt again. Even though I am making progress, I still almost lost my sense of self again for someone, and that scares me. I never want to end up in that state of mind again. I want to work on loving myself more and not relying on other people for my happiness before I try being with someone else again. I also want to be in a better place mentally before dating, which I have not been lately, to avoid making poor choices in who I choose to be with and what I do with them due to intense vulnerability or putting a burden of dealing with my depression and self-esteem issues on someone else.

I also am enjoying my independence. I am enjoying getting to spend some time alone and do the things that I want to do. Being in a relationship is a beautiful thing, but it can also be stressful and requires a lot of work that I just do not have the energy for right now. I would much rather work on myself and enjoy my freedom before I could fully commit to someone else. Call it selfish, but it is where my head is at right now.

It is hard to enjoy my independence, however, when I feel like there is something wrong with me because I do not want to date right now. I thought about trying to go out and date recently, but then I decided against it when I realized that the idea of going out on romantic dates or being intimate in any kind of way with anyone was off-putting to me. I realized that the reason why I even thought about going out with someone in the first place was not because I wanted to, but because I felt like I was behind compared to everyone else my age. Almost everyone I know is in a relationship or talking to someone, and I felt inadequate about being the only one who was not. This feel ridiculous since I have established that I do not desire to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment, yet it still something I subconsciously feel.

It is the same feeling I get whenever I find out that someone I know got engaged or pregnant. I am happy for them, but I also can’t help but feel bad about myself because I am not even close to reaching either of those milestones. Again, it is ridiculous because I do not wish to get married or have a baby anytime soon. I do want to get married and have children in the future, but I am not ready yet. I want to finish with school and focus on my goals before I think about marriage and kids, even if I do end up in a relationship sometime in the near future. Not to mention that I want to spend some time with someone to make sure that they are the person I want to spend my life with and have kids with before doing it. Despite all of this, however, I still find myself feeling like I am behind in life compared to others.

While I do think that this feeling somewhat stems from an issue within myself, I do think that the majority of the issue lies within this societal conditioning on women that we must be married and have babies by a certain age in order to be considered desirable and successful. While a healthy relationship that leads to marriage and possibly children is a valid goal, it should not be the only goal that we are expected to focus on. My favorite television show, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, put emphasis in the series finale on the importance of learning to be okay with being single and that finding true love is an important part of life that we will all eventually achieve, but it is not the ultimate end goal. (The main character explained this way better than I did. I just haven’t watched the episode in a while so I can’t remember exactly how she said it. Hopefully I made sense.)

Also, the show pointed out that love can be found in many places, such as your career, friendships, and passions. This resonated with me because many people, including myself in the past, only find fulfillment if they are involved with someone. However, putting all your happiness into your romantic relationships or depending on your love life to feel value within yourself is not healthy. You need to find love in other places and people, and you need to find happiness in other aspects of your life as well. I feel like there should be just as much emphasis on the importance of finding love within yourself and achieving other great things in life too. This obsession and judgment of adults who would rather focus on other than dating also needs to stop.

I am twenty-four years old, and I believe that I still have plenty of time to meet someone, get married, and have children. I also believe that there is no rush to try and date right now, especially if I am not ready. I would rather continue to enjoy being single than settle for the wrong person just so that I am not alone. Many women feel pressured to be married and have kids by their late 20’s, but the truth is that there is no absolute deadline. You can’t keep comparing yourself to others, which is something I am trying to remind myself. Everyone moves at their own pace, and I will eventually find true love. For now, however, I want to keep doing me and focus on the things that make me happy, and I won’t let anyone else determine what I should and should not be doing. I encourage you all to do the same.

 

Truth Hurts

Here I am writing yet another post about a guy. I’ve been finding myself struggling to move on and quite frankly I can’t understand why. He was never mine, and we were not involved for long. We only saw each other a few times, and we were not exactly close. We barely spoke since the incident, and I have distanced myself entirely from him. Even after cutting all ties with him, I still find myself overwhelmed with emotions, the most prominent being anger and hurt.

I didn’t want to be angry with him. It is so easy for me to feel anger toward the men that did me wrong, but with him it was complex.

Truth is, I didn’t want to write about him. He is not the first guy I have “talked” to or had feelings for since my ex-boyfriend (the one who I wrote about a lot the past two years).  I wanted to just let it go and move on like I have with those other men. I also did not want to stir the pot, especially since he and I have a lot of mutual friends. Despite the fact that he was dishonest with me and flat out disrespected me, I still wanted to protect him and did not want to add onto his stress because I cared about him. Shit, I still care about him even though I shouldn’t.

But at what point do my feelings get factored in?

He never made me feel like I was overreacting or snapped at me for getting angry at him, so I’ll give him that. In fact, he did do kind things for me, but it does not negate the pain he caused me. I am not posting this as a way to “get revenge.” I just want to work through my feelings and move on from this situation, and writing has always helped me heal from hurtful situations. I also do not wish to turn anyone against him, though I am pretty sure most people don’t even know who I am talking about because I don’t plan to refer to him by name. I know a lot of people respect him, and that is okay. I just feel like that is also one thing that has been holding me back from being honest about my own experience with him. It doesn’t matter how nice someone was to you before or how others see them. At the end of the day, he hurt me, and I am beginning to accept that I have every right to be angry with him because of my own personal experience with him and I will no longer let anyone else invalidate my feelings. I also won’t let anyone accuse me of being too dramatic because even if what happened doesn’t seem like a big deal, it was to me.

This “fallout” (if you can call it that) took place about two months ago, but it wasn’t until about a week ago I allowed myself to reflect on what he did, accept the anger I felt toward him, and decide to cut off all contact with him. I was angry and hurt after it happened, but I repressed it. It was partially because of the reasons above, but it was also because I cared more for his feelings than I did my own. I also allowed my feelings for him control how I reacted to what he did, and I did not want to upset him.

It did seem like he really cared and really liked me at first though. I mean, I did develop an attraction to him for a reason. When we first met last summer, I intended on being friends with him. I wasn’t looking to be involved with anyone, and I did not develop any kind of feelings right away. I thought he was a kind person, especially since he went out his way to approach me when we first met, but I thought we would just be good friends and nothing more. The more we interacted though, the more I began to develop feelings for him. He seemed really sweet and caring, and he cheered me up in more ways than he knew during one of our first conversations online. He would check up on me every few days, and we kept trying to hang out (though my busy schedule did not allow me to.) It was fairly obvious that he had some feelings for me at first whenever we spoke online. At first, I was iffy about going after him, but the more we talked, the more I developed a crush on him. I eventually decided, “fuck it, I’m going to just go for it.”

In the beginning, I believed that I made the right choice, and I don’t regret giving him a chance. I only regret that I didn’t walk away sooner and that I let myself develop strong feelings for him so quickly.

We began seeing each other a few months ago. It was casual, yet things seemed to go well from the start whenever we were together. He was kind to me, and he seemed to genuinely care about my well-being. He always made sure I got home safe, and he was always asking if I was okay. He always listened to my vents, and he was respectful whenever I mentioned that something he did bothered me. He seemed supportive of me, as he would understand if I was busy with school and he mentioned reading some of my writing. He brought me around his friends and I got along with them pretty quickly. He seemed understanding when I told him that I wasn’t ready to be intimate with him yet and didn’t openly pressure me into it. In fact, one thing I will admit is that he never tried to force himself on me, and anything that happened between us was entirely consensual. He never argued with me, nor did he make me feel like I was a bother when I asked to see him or wanted to talk to him. He always cheered me up whenever I was feeling sad, and when he was feeling sad he swore that my messages that I sent to him to cheer him up were the most “endearing” out of all the messages he received. He saw me on my birthday when I told him that I had no plans that day. He was always affectionate with me whenever we saw each other, which was especially a plus for me because I love physical affection. He would say cute things for the first few weeks to me that I believed confirmed his feelings for me. He seemed to be honest about his intentions with me, as he told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship right now but he really liked me.

In spite of these many great qualities he had and these affirmations that seemed to prove that he liked me, I told myself that I would take it slow with him at first. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes that I made in past relationships where I rushed right into it and I didn’t want to allow myself to fall so easily. I got hurt so many times in the past and I wanted to protect my heart this time, so I told myself that the moment I saw red flags, I would leave. That was easy to do with any guy that I liked or talked to since my last relationship. I managed to control my feelings for them, and I moved on quickly the moment it became apparent that we weren’t a match. With this guy, however, this wasn’t the case. With each time we saw each other and spoke to each other, I felt my feelings getting stronger.

I began to find myself looking forward to seeing him and speaking to him. Whenever he messaged me or I got a notification from him, I felt my heart skip a beat and a smile form across my face. I enjoyed when he finally began to open up to me because I liked learning more about him. I found myself really caring about him and wanting him to be happy. When he was going through a tough time, I found myself worrying about his well-being for days. In turn, I found myself growing comfortable with him to a point where I began to open up to him about things I haven’t told many people. It’s hard for me to open up and be outgoing around people, yet I found that I was growing comfortable around him. The past few guys I found myself attracted to ended up being purely for physical reasons, yet for him it went beyond that. Yes, I loved the physical affection I received from him, but I began to realize that I deeply cared for him and my feelings were growing stronger.

I didn’t want catching those strong feelings so quickly, and yet it happened. It was at a point where, though I knew I still did not know him well enough to get into a relationship with him yet, I began to see it as a possibility in the future when we were both ready. This realization hit me as early as after the second (third?) date where it went so well that I was over the moon. It was that “Oh crap, I think I really like him.” moment that was terrifying and beautiful at the same time. Terrifying because, for the first time in years I was in the vulnerable state that catching feelings puts you in, and beautiful because I realized that I was capable of feeling a connection with someone else again.

In spite of my feelings developing more and all the positive qualities he had, however, there was still a gut feeling I had that grew stronger as time passed. It appeared after our first date, even though nothing had happened that could cause me to have any bad feelings about him. The feeling lingered from time to time, but I ignored it because I wanted to give him a chance and because he had not given me any reason to doubt him.
I continued to see him and speak to him, and it wasn’t until about three weeks into seeing each other that this gut feeling began to grow stronger. We spent a night together, and even though nothing bad happened, I felt terrible the next morning. I wanted to speak to him about it, but I also did not want to offend him and I could not pinpoint what exactly was causing me to feel like something was wrong with us. I wanted to be happy because we had a great time together, but instead I felt sad and confused for the next few days. I even began to question if I should continue seeing him, but I decided to continue to do so because of stubbornness and because, as I have reiterated, I could not think of a legit reason to stop seeing him other than that gut feeling. I eventually brushed it off as PTSD from past relationships and fear that things with him, regardless of how great they seemed, would end up like every other situationship or relationship I was in.

It didn’t help that he told me that he was not ready or looking to be in a relationship. Sure, I agreed that we still did not know each other enough to be in a relationship yet and I was unsure if I was ready myself, but hearing him say that brought back memories of a situation where a guy I was seeing (who I also wrote about in my first post on this blog back in 2015) said the same thing, and after months of stringing me along and allowing me to fall harder for him with empty promises that he would eventually want to date me, he decided to kick me to the curb and get into a relationship with another girl instead. He had not been honest about his intentions with me and decided to keep seeing me even though he knew I wanted a relationship and he just wanted someone to fuck around with. He did tell me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship as well, but that he liked me and saw us possibly dating in the future right up until he began to date that other girl. Hearing this new guy say the same words made me fear that I was about to end up in the same situation. I decided to brush away the fear, however, and go against my gut feeling. It still lingered on and off, but it didn’t come back strongly again until the red flags became more conspicuous.

Before I go on, I just want make it clear that I am aware that we were not in an exclusive relationship, and that he didn’t owe me anything. I am aware that we were not committed to each other, and he had free reign to see other people. That is not why I am mad at him. In fact, I opened up to him about having a crush on someone else while seeing him. I am aware that I didn’t have to tell him, but I felt guilty if I didn’t tell him. I did genuinely like him more than the other person I had a crush on, but I still felt like he should know if I was going to keep my options open. That was my choice, yes, but he also vowed to be honest with me too if he was going to see someone else.

I am also aware that feelings change sometimes when you are seeing someone. Sometimes, you like someone at first, but as you continue to see them, you may realize that it’s not working out or your feelings may go away. It’s a part of dating. However, I think it is better to be honest and tell the other person that you are no longer feeling it instead of just ghosting them or leading them on. I also think you should be honest about your intentions.

Finally, I will admit that I probably liked him more than he liked me, and I caught feelings way too fast. I also tried to keep seeing him even when it became abundantly clear that I was trying harder to continue seeing him than he was. I also foolishly believed that I was fine with us remaining casual and just having fun when I knew deep down that my feelings for him were becoming stronger than that. That is where I was wrong. However, it does not negate what he did.

It didn’t help that he knew what I’ve been through in the past. He saw some of my recent blogs, so he knew what I went through with my ex. I also opened up to him about many things, including the guy I saw that led me on and used me for sex until he found someone else. He listened to me, he never judged, and he never pressured me into telling him things I didn’t want to, so I began to believe that he was someone I could trust. I don’t open up to people easily, but there was just something about him that made me feel comfortable quickly, and I think that comfort drew me in to him even more.

The more we began to open up to each other, however, the more distant he became toward me. During the final two weeks of us seeing each other, that gut feeling became stronger. It began to seem like I was the one always initiating seeing each other and talking to each other. I didn’t expect him to talk to me every day or see me every day, but it also felt like I was the one trying to keep things going. He went from messaging me every other day to barely at all unless I spoke to him, and I became the one asking to go out. It was uncomfortable because I was unsure if I was bothering him or if I seemed absolutely pathetic. I also didn’t want to seem like I was needy or desperate, so I let it be. Due to past trauma with my ex, I also have a hard time expressing myself out of fear of being yelled at or called crazy, so I kept my mouth shut. Even if he never gave me any reason to believe I had to feel like I was walking on eggshells around him, there was still always that fear that I was being too clingy.

When we did see each other one more time, things seemed normal between us. He was affectionate as usual, and he still swore that he liked me. He did behave a bit off, but I wrote it off as him just being tired. The gut feeling about him grew overwhelmingly strong after we saw each other that day, but I pushed it away. I also had a dream the night before where he was hiding something from me, and it turned out to be something hurtful. I told him about this dream, and we joked about it because I didn’t believe that it could possibly be true. However, it did end up foreshadowing that he was hiding something from me, and I found out about a week later.

During the week leading up to me finding out, he was more distant than ever. He seemed to be going through a tough time, so I did not want to bother him. I sent him a long message to let him know that I was there for him if he wanted to talk, which he seemed to appreciate, and left him alone for a few days. I worried heavily about his well-being and hoped that he would open up, but I also didn’t want to push him. A few days later, I found out that we were both going to be at an event that weekend. I messaged him asking if he wanted to meet up, and he agreed to meet up on the last day. I thought it was weird that he never mentioned to me that he was going to the event since I mentioned to him that I was going a few times. I also found it weird that he didn’t want to meet up until the last day. I know he wasn’t obligated to see me every day of the event, but it still rubbed me the wrong way since we were seeing each other and becoming closer at this point. I didn’t voice this concern to him, though, out of fear of coming off as needy or annoying as I have in the past. I agreed to wait until the last day to see him, and left it at that.

I did enjoy myself at the event, but the situation with him sat in my mind. I didn’t want to obsess over it or let it ruin the event for me, but something didn’t feel right. I spoke to my friends about my situation with him, and they warned me that something was definitely off. I decided to meet up with him on the last day anyway as planned, and hoped that it would at least just be a fun day. I could worry about what would happen next after, and maybe my gut feeling was just a result of paranoia.

I hadn’t heard from him that whole weekend, and we never ran into each other. I still messaged him the morning of the day we were supposed to meet up to let me know when he got there, and he agreed. I hung out with some other friends when I got there, and never heard from him. Time passed, and there was only two hours left of the event. I finally decided to message him to see if he was there. He responded that he had been there for a while and agreed to meet up with me. I was slightly annoyed, but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt since you can lose track of time and get distracted by other things at those kinds of events.

When we did meet up, he kissed me and said he had missed me, so I assumed everything was fine. Everything did seem normal between us at first, aside from him stepping away and having me wait for him for a half hour, until we went and met up with some of his friends, including this one girl who I never met before. At that moment, I definitely had a terrible feeling in my gut that something was about to happen. When they hugged, she held onto him for a while, and then things got awkward when I walked toward the two of them. I tried to ignore the horrible feeling I was getting, but I also wanted to give him a chance to be honest if there was something going on. I really didn’t want to believe that he would be careless enough to see two girls at the same time and then have them meet each other without at least explaining it to either of us.

The whole interaction between me, him, and the other girl was awkward, and I barely remember anything other than that the he acted like I wasn’t even there, but I was still nice to her. I didn’t want to come off as jealous over nothing, and I really was trying hard to convince myself that nothing was going on. She also was not rude to me in any way, he was the one who was embarrassing me by ignoring me and putting me in this situation. I had to insert myself into the conversation to avoid just standing there as he playfully argued with her. At some point, he said to me right in front of her that there was nothing romantic between them because I said that I thought she was cool. This seemed like such a random thing to say, almost as if he was saying that to cover something up. This whole mess of a conversation came to an end when he hugged me and apologized for accidentally getting loud near my bad ear. I kissed him, which I assumed was not an issue since we kissed in front of his friends before. Usually, he had no issue with it, but this time he said, “not in front of everyone.” At this point, I knew something was wrong, so I told him that I wanted to go sit down and walk away.

The discomfort was becoming overwhelming at that point. I had no issue with respecting someone’s preference not to publicly display affection, but we were only around his friends and he usually didn’t mind being openly affectionate around his friends. Still, when he came to sit with me, I had a hard time expressing what was bothering me. I did not want to seem paranoid or insecure, so I tried to pretend that I was okay. He kept on asking what was wrong, so I admitted to him that his comment about me kissing him in front of the others bothered him. He claimed that it was because of someone else there, but I was able to sense the real reason why it bothered him so much. Eventually, he finally admitted that him and the other girl did like each other.

At that moment, my heart sank. I felt a pain in my chest that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. At the time, I couldn’t understand why this hurt me so much. Again, he wasn’t my boyfriend, and we had not been involved for a long time. I wanted to hide my pain out of fear of being deemed unreasonable and because I didn’t want to make him feel guilty (even though he had lacked any regard for my feelings, I still put his feelings over my own.) I also hate crying in front of other people, but I couldn’t hold back my hurt and disappointment anymore. His friends and the girl were still around, so we decided to go somewhere else to speak privately.

One thing I will credit him for is not raising his voice at me or making me feel like my feelings were not justified. He heard me out and he didn’t get mad at me for expressing how upset I was. I began to cry, which was humiliating, but he just hugged me. I wasn’t used to a guy being so understanding when I was angry about something, which made it even harder to be mad at him. I still snapped at him, though, and expressed anything that came to mind. He listened, and he tried to explain why he did what he did. Hearing his excuses did make me feel bad for him, but I also reached a point where I realized that my feelings were not entirely being taken into consideration. I spent so much time trying hard not to upset him and worrying about his feelings that I repressed my own. Meanwhile, he didn’t care enough for my feelings to be honest with me, and instead allowed me to be put in this situation where I had to find out for myself by watching him with another girl. I also spent the week worrying about him and thinking that everything was okay between us while he wasn’t even thinking of me at all.

What made things even worse was that, even in that moment, he still was telling me lies. He tried to convince me that he liked me more than he liked her, and that he had stronger feelings for me than anyone else he liked. (Though he claimed that me and that girl were the only ones he liked, so that was also a lie.) He also tried to claim that his feelings for her will probably go away in a few days. I knew he was bullshitting and just telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me around, and I wasn’t falling for his games anymore. He further proved that all these things he said about having stronger feelings for me were bullshit when he left me alone to go talk to her even though I was still upset and it was already late. I refused to allow myself to beg him to stay with me, so I just let him walk away and got myself an Uber.

I hated how much this hurt me and the thoughts that ran through my mind afterward. I took a cab home and cried the whole way home. I hated that I felt so much agony over someone who I had only been seeing for a short time, and I hated that I ended up getting hurt yet again. I tried to speak to a few close friends about it, and their reassurance did help me out a lot. However, I still cried, and I still found myself dealing with an awful pain in my chest and stomach for the next two days. It was the same pain I experienced whenever I faced a major disappointment or letdown by someone who I trusted.

For the next few weeks, I found myself more upset than I was willing to admit. I repressed a lot of the anger for his sake, and because I did not feel that it was justified. Anytime any negative emotion would come up about the situation, I would find myself repressing it and considering myself ridiculous for feeling such a way.

I felt jealousy that he chose the other girl over me, yet I considered this ridiculous because we were never in a relationship. I felt deceived, yet this felt ridiculous because he didn’t owe me anything. I felt anger toward him, yet this felt ridiculous because, again, he didn’t owe me anything and I allowed myself to be played by him. I felt hurt, yet this felt ridiculous because we were not seeing each other for a long time, and it could have been a lot worse. I felt anger at myself because I was mad at him, and for allowing this situation and the negative thoughts toward myself that derived from it to dominate my mind. I felt like this was karma coming back to me for something shitty I did in the past. I began to question my own worth since yet another guy hurt me, and this was a guy who I heard nothing but good things about. I began to blame and question myself, and if there was something wrong with me that made people want to hurt me like this. I was aware that this was such a ridiculous and toxic train of thought, especially since I vowed to never lose myself over or determine my self-worth over another man ever again, yet it still remained in my mind.

As I continued to repress my anger, I continued to keep him in my life. In the past two years, I found it easy to cut people off the moment they hurt me. I was tired of giving second chances to people, just to have them take it for granted. When it came to him, though, I couldn’t seem to. I still remained friends with him on social media, we still messaged occasionally, and we still reacted to each other’s posts. I still had some underlying anger, but I did still care about him. I still wanted to talk to him, and I still wanted to have him in my life. My feelings for him were also still there even after what happened, especially whenever I received a notification from him. I knew deep down that I could not continue pursuing him since I could no longer trust him to be honest with me, yet I still found myself unable to let go of these feelings no matter how much I tried to ignore them. I knew that the only way to move on was to distance myself from him by cutting off contact with him, but I could not get myself to do it.

Though it took me a few weeks, I eventually figured out why. It was the same reason why I could not let go of guys who meant a lot to me in the past no matter how badly they hurt me. As I mentioned, it’s hard for me to warm up to people, yet with him I felt so comfortable quickly. He came into my life when I was feeling sad and depressed, and he was so friendly, caring, and easy to talk to. He was also very affectionate with me, which is something I often find myself yearning for due to having a lack of affection in my life.
Of course, not all of my reasons for becoming attached to him so easily were this superficial. He was also so sweet and understanding with me to a point where, even after he hurt me, he was still nice to me. In the past, when I discovered that a guy was not being honest with me, he would snap at me for calling him out or confronting him. This guy, however, never snapped at me or made me feel like my feelings were invalid. He apologized many times, allowed me to express myself, and wanted there to be peace between us. He even seemed to understand that what he did was wrong, and he seemed genuinely sorry for hurting me. I am glad he was understanding, it just made it harder for me to be mad at him or let him go.

There is something that a friend told me, however, that resonated with me. Hurt is still hurt, and just because someone is nicely hurting you doesn’t take away from them hurting you. Yes, he was kind to me and seemed to be upset that he hurt me, but he still was dishonest to me at the end of the day. He still could have told me that he did not want to continue seeing each other or that he just wanted to have fun instead of distancing himself from me without warning and only seeing me or speaking to me if I asked. I was always honest with him about how I was feeling and gave him so many chances to be honest with me, but he wasn’t. He also could have told me that he wanted to be with the other girl at the event instead of keeping me waiting and then putting me in an awkward situation where I met the other girl and then was treated like I didn’t even exist by him. He also left me on my own when it was already late and I was still visibly upset, and even if he didn’t know what else to do in the moment, it was still a crappy thing to do.

I also know that so many people consider him a nice person, and maybe he is. I could say that he exposed his true colors to me, but I didn’t get to know him long enough or well enough to say that this dishonest and hurtful person is truly who he is. Maybe this was just a fuckup, since making mistakes and hurting other people is inevitable in life. At the end of the day, however, I am still entitled to my perception of him based on my experiences with him. He could be a good person, but he still was not good to me in the end.

After reflecting and reaching this realization, I finally allowed myself to feel anger toward him. I also knew what I needed to do, and I needed to do it before I changed my mind yet again. I sent him a message expressing how I felt, and I did so in a way that was blunt but not obscene. I do not recall my exact message to him, but I remember that I told him that what he did hurt me badly, that he was in the wrong, and that I needed to distance myself from him. After I sent him the message, I almost expected him to go off on me and became anxious as I saw him typing a response to my message. However, he simply told me that he understood, that me distancing myself from him was the best course of action, and that this was what he deserved. I quickly blocked him on everything, deleted his number from my phone, and deleted our conversation history on Facebook Messenger to avoid causing myself anymore pain.

After I blocked him, I felt both relief and sadness. Relief because I did what had to be done in order for me to be able to move on, and sadness because I still did care for and have feelings for him. However, I had to do what was best for me, even if it was something that was difficult to do.

I started writing this blog post about a month ago just after I blocked him, but I stopped for numerous reasons. The top reasons were that I feared that he would see it and get angry, that I wasn’t ready to speak about it, and that people would think that I was overreacting. However, I decided to just go for it. The purpose of my blog is to speak out on things that are bothering me on a medium that is non-judgmental and therapeutic for me.

I still do find myself thinking about him from time to time, and I still find myself hurting over the situation sometimes. I do not hate him though, and I do not wish anything bad for him. I do hope that he does not make the same mistakes and hurt someone else like he did me, and I do hope that he is doing better. I cannot say, however that I want to see or speak to him anytime soon, and I cannot say that I have forgiven him yet. I also know that my feelings for him are still lingering, and I do not want to allow them to put me in a hurtful situation with him again.

I am glad that, though there were many things I could have done better, I managed to remove myself from the situation instead of staying in it like I would have in the past. I did not make any bad decisions and I took time to reflect on why I became attached so quickly and why this situation was affecting me so much. While I have made progress when it comes to dating, this situation also made me realize that I have ways to go before I can date anyone again, even casually. There is still a lot of trauma lingering from my ex that causes me to repress my emotions and expect the worst from other people too quickly. I also still have a lot of issues with co-dependency and self-confidence that cause me to depend on other people for self-validation, and that cause me to lose my sense of self and question my worth when someone does me wrong. Even though I am moving on from him and working on valuing myself, I still find myself sometimes question why I wasn’t good enough or why he thought that it was okay to just hurt me like that. I also have a lot of trust issues from my past relationships and friendships, and this situation certainly didn’t help. I push people away a lot these days due to past trauma, and the some of the few people I do let in anymore, including him, often seem to let me down. It makes me wonder sometimes if I am worth anyone’s honesty since people would rather hurt me with lies or simply keep me in the dark about things than just be honest about their intentions and how they are feeling about me.

The truth hurts, but dishonesty hurts even more.

 

Time Heals Most Wounds

You tell people how toxic I was, but would you ever tell people what the fuck you put me through?

I no longer cry over you, and I thought I would never write about you again. I have made a lot of progress toward moving on. I no longer think of you fondly, and I no longer have any love left toward you. I accepted that you were an abusive piece of crap, and that my life is better without you in it. I rarely ever think of you anymore, and I even began to see someone else for a while a few months ago. I have accepted that, while I made a lot of mistakes, none of it justifies what you put me through. Time truly does heal all wounds.

Well, most wounds have been healed anyway.

I may have moved on in a sense where I don’t want to associate myself with you ever again, and I sure as hell don’t miss you. I just have struggled to let go of the anger and forgive you for my own sake. I no longer want to feel anything toward you because that allows you to have some sort of power over me, and you already had enough of that during our relationship. However, I still find myself detesting you, and I still find that the things you put me through affecting me two years later.

You just love to play victim and talk about how I was possessive, a liar, a slut, an attention-seeker, a bitch, a brat, toxic, and immature. I already accepted my fuckups in the relationship, and they paled in comparison to yours. Humiliation, insulting, gaslighting, lying, hypocrisy, verbal abuse…I could go on. You would never admit to your fuckups though. An abuser will never admit what they did wrong, and admitting to what you put me through would tarnish that precious reputation of yours. Instead, you play victim, which is always one thing you’ve always done best.

I wish you could no longer have any significance in my life. I wish that this anger would fade away, and the only thing left of you in my mind is the lessons that being with you taught me. Instead, the trauma of what you put me through still haunts me in ways that I least expect.

It’s still hard for me to trust anyone or let my guard down. I always obsess over my past mistakes even though I have changed for the better because you made me believe that I was a bad person. I always question people’s intentions no matter how kind and caring they are to me. In fact, I sometimes question if people actually like me or if they are just pretending to like you did. I always fear that someone is upset with me or will leave me if they became even the least bit distant. I am terrified to express to someone that they did something that bothered me or disagree with people because I do not want them to lash out on me like you did. I am scared to vent to people because I don’t want them to think I am being self-absorbed or looking for attention. I tear up if someone raises their voice at me even a little bit because of how much you screamed and cursed at me. I still hate crying in front of others, though, because I don’t want to be reprimanded for it like how you and your toxic ass friends used to do anytime I cried even though it was your fault that I was crying most of the time. I fear opening up to people like I did with you because of how you went around and told people things that I trusted you with that I never told anyone else. Whenever something goes wrong, I blame myself just like how you loved to blame me for everything. Whenever I am upset about something, I often question if I am just overreacting. Though not as frequent, I still have nightmares about you, and my anxiety flares at the mere thought of you. It has been hard for me to be romantically and intimately involved with someone because I fear that no matter how loving and genuine they are, I will fear they will turn out to be as fake and abusive as you.

While the trauma from our relationship has left such an overwhelming impact on me, I still do not regret being with you. Though there is a lot of pain that still affects me, there are also some valuable lessons I learned that have helped me grow as a person. I learned things I needed to work on, such as my co-dependency issues and my insecurities. I learned how to be satisfied with being single for a long while. I learned what red flags to look out for in people, and when to walk away from someone who was causing me nothing but pain even if they meant a lot to me. Though I am not as far along in the moving on process as I would like to be, I have made a lot of progress.

Time heals wounds, and I pray every day that someday it will heal the wounds left from you. You may have never hit me, but the scars from the emotional pain you caused me still remain.

 

 

 

My New Years Eve

Before I start this blog, I just want to warn that it discusses triggering themes, including sexual harassment.

I promised to update my blog more, and that is exactly what I plan to do with all the free time I have the next few weeks. I want to catch up on writing, especially since I have so many blogs planned out. However, I wanted to address this situation that happened to me on New Years Eve before working on my other blog posts I had planned out, including a decade review blog (I know that’s late but whatever) since it has been sitting in my head for days. As I always say, I write to express myself, work out my emotions, and heal, so maybe this will help.

I rarely ever go to parties anymore due to social anxiety and bad experiences. This New Years Eve, however, I decided to go to a party. 2019 was a shitty year for me, so I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to go out and have some fun to end the year on a positive note. I attended an event in Manhattan held by a group I was apart of, and I assumed that it would be fun. The moment I got to the party, however, I began to rethink my decision. People were either already in groups talking to each other or sitting by themselves and not talking to anyone. I suck at approaching people, especially when I don’t know anyone, so I just sat by myself on my phone. I was invited to another party that started later, so I was planning to go to that one if this party continued to be lame.
Eventually, a guy came up to me and began to talk to me. He was a bit older, but he was friendly and trying to start conversation with me since I was by myself. He continued to talk to me for a bit, and eventually we started to talk with other people too. He seemed really nice, and he even tried to set me up with a guy that I thought was cute. I tried to keep my distance from the guy who approached me though. I was not interested in getting to know him romantically, and I wasn’t going to trust a guy I just met so easily no matter how polite he was. After I began to chat with the cute guy (who was actually very nice, but I ended up not exchanging my number with him because as we spoke to each other I realized we weren’t vibing.) the guy who approached me left me alone for a while. I ended up losing track of time and not making it to the other party.
After midnight struck and 2020 began, the cute guy left. Some people were dancing and asked me to join in, so I did. I was having a great time until the guy from earlier came and began to dance with me. At first, it was innocent, but then he began to grind on me. I was uncomfortable with this, so I moved away. Some other guy at the party yelled out to him, “she’s too young for you!” but he kept on trying to dance on me. He also tried to kiss me, but I ducked it. I moved away from him, and he asked if he was making me uncomfortable. I told him he was, so he kept his boundaries after that. Things were fine and I hoped he got the message that I was not interested in him, though he kept trying to get me to drink. I told him that I don’t drink alcohol anymore because of the meds I take, but he said that drinking with meds makes it even more fun. (Which is not true at all. This combination can damage your liver and has severely dangerous side effects.) He continuously teased me for not drinking, which got extremely annoying and I began to dislike him.

As it neared 1am, many people were bar-hopping or heading home. I was starving since there was no food at the party, so I was going to grab something to eat before I headed home. Some of the group was going to grab pizza after stopping by a live music event nearby, so I decided to join them. Unfortunately, this guy also tagged along. I was hoping he would keep his distance since I told him that he was making me uncomfortable, but he still tried to come near me and was touchy. I continued to move away from him and tried to just enjoy the band, and even tried to stay near a group of girls. He did eventually back off again, but then when we went to go eat after the performance, he continued to talk to me. Earlier in the night, I told him that I found sarcasm attractive since I’m sarcastic myself. He decided to make offensive jokes and comments and claim that he was being sarcastic, but all he was really just being insulting.

At this point, I just wanted to get something to eat and leave. However, when I got to the pizza place, I saw that it was impossible to get an Uber. They were in high demand, and it would cost me over 100 dollars to get home. It was already almost 2am and I wanted to leave with the remainder of the group that we were with since I did not feel safe taking the subway home alone. I know I should have just went home earlier, but I depended too much on the fact that I was able to get a cab home for much cheaper going home on New Years at 4am two years ago. I was trapped downtown in a group with this guy, and to make matters worse, my phone turned itself off for a random system update.

We ate in a small pizza place where the cashier nearly ripped me off and the pizza tasted worse than school lunch pizza. The pizza place was also ridiculously small, and I ended up stuck sitting next to the creep. I voiced my concerns about travelling home to someone else in the group. The other person in the group tried to respond in an understanding manner, but the creep decided to throw his two cents in by saying that there was nothing wrong with me riding the subway at night and made fun of me for being so scared. He called me “spoiled,” “dainty,” and told me that no one would want to kidnap me. After making these rude comments, he made an offer to take me home which I declined.

After we left the pizza place, it was way after 2am. There was only one train nearby that would take me to the train I needed to go home, and the guy just so happened to be taking it too. There was another guy from the group taking the same train, so I stood near him as we waited and I called my mom to stay on the phone with me until the train came. The train took a while to come, and by the time it came the platform had gotten ridiculously crowded since so many people were going home from parties at that time.
When I got on the train, I tried to separate myself from the creep, but there were so many people shoving through that I ended up next to him, and the other guy from the group that I tried to stay near ended up further away. To make matters worse, the train was so packed that everyone was literally squished against each other. I tried to position myself so that he and I were not touching, but there was barely any room to move.
I hoped that the train ride would go quickly. Thankfully, I only had a few stops and I was getting off before the creep. However, the train decided to keep delaying as it got closer to my stop. The guy also kept making stupid comments about how close everyone was to each other due to how packed the train was. He made a dumb joke about how I touched his butt, which I didn’t, and it didn’t even make sense because we were facing each other. He then proceeded to pinch my butt and laugh. This was the final straw for me. I wanted to snap at him right there, but I ended up freezing up. After he did this to me, I said nothing for the remainder of the train ride to anyone. I kept on trying to push out the words that I wanted to say to him out, but I couldn’t get them out. I was terrified of how he might react, and how the other people on the train would react. No one saw what he did to me, so I was scared that they would think I was overreacting and no one would defend me. I just stood there frozen and with tears in my eyes. When the train finally got to my station, I left and stormed to get an Uber. They were over sixty dollars, but at that point I had enough and just wanted to get home.

When I did finally get home, I tried to shower and forget what happened. I left that group because I did not want to associate myself with a group that had a guy like that, and that had people who did not defend me even though they saw what he was doing, aside from the guy who tried to get the creep to stop dancing on me by saying that I was too young for him. I didn’t exchange numbers or any social media with him, but I remembered his name and his Facebook from when he showed me some pictures of himself. I quickly blocked him from ever being able to find me. I wasn’t sure if he remembered my name, but I didn’t want to take that chance.

I didn’t really tell anyone what happened with that guy. I felt so much shame about what happened. I also feared that people would think that I was overreacting or that it was all my fault. I felt like I was making it a bigger deal than it was, and that I deserved it for many reasons. I couldn’t stop thinking about the things he said and did to me, however, and I kept on experiencing anxiety anytime I thought about it. This was not the first time a guy had crossed a line with me, nor was it the worse thing a guy has ever done without my consent, and all those memories rushed back in my head as I continued to think back to what the guy did to me. I opened up to my mom about what happened with the guy, and she tried to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault. However, I couldn’t shake off the negative thoughts and feelings.

It is almost five days later, and I still occasionally keep reflecting on what happened. I don’t want one incident to have so much power over me, especially since I am aware that it could have been a lot worse, but it keeps on bothering me. I keep seeing his face, thinking of the things he said and did to me, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I am brought back to the many past experiences of being harassed and assaulted and the trauma I gained from those experiences adds onto the trauma I gained from the New Years Eve party. These experiences often make me think that people just view me as sex and nothing more, especially lately, and what happened with the creep at the New Years Eve party doesn’t help. I hate thinking of or speaking about it because it makes me anxious, but repressing it just makes it linger in my head ever more. I also feel angry at him for doing this to me, and angry at myself for not doing anything to stop it. I also just want to move on from the situation because I keep feeling like I am just overreacting, but I can’t seem to.

The mess of a thought train in that last paragraph is exactly what has been going through my head for days, and I hate it. I hate thinking this way, and I hate that it is so common. I also hate that women (and men on some occasions) have to be terrified whenever they go out and want to have a good time because some people feel entitled to our bodies and can’t take no for an answer. I hate that we get blamed for the harassment and assaults that happen to us and that so much emphasis is put on what we need to do to prevent it from happening to us, but not enough emphasis is put on stopping the perpetrators from doing it to us in the first place.

Deep down, I know me blaming myself completely is irrational. Yes, I could have left as soon as he began to make me feel uncomfortable. Yes, I didn’t have to hang out with the group after the party, especially when I saw that he was there. Yes, I could have told him off when he continued to be touchy and when he grabbed my butt. However, he is the one that continued to touch me when I told him that he was making me uncomfortable, spoke to me rudely, and tried to kiss me and dance on me without any consent or sign that I was interested in him. Yet here I am, still blaming myself entirely for this whole situation.

It is experiences like this that are one of the reasons why I barely go out to parties or events anymore, and why it is hard for me to trust people when I meet them for the first time.

Reasons to Smile (2)

I have been feeling pretty down the past day. I have been trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but my anxiety has not been allowing me to do so. So I decided to do this blog again. I intend to update my blog more. In fact, I have two blogs I want to publish sometime within the next week. One is a post I feel is too negative to post around the holidays, and the other is a New Years post. To cheer myself up and in keeping up with what is supposed to be a joyful time, here are more great things that happened this week (or week and a half):

-I began to go to the gym again. I started going over the summer, but I stopped the past two months due to my anxiety, depression, and other stressors. I decided to stop making excuses, however, and get back into it. Surprisingly, my body has been responding well to getting back into workouts again.

-I finally finished this semester, which was probably the most difficult and arduous semester I have endured so far. So far, I have received an A- in one class that I was struggling a lot with, and I got an A+ on a paper I was not confident about at all.

-I have become inspired to write more, and plan to do so during my month off. I also want to be more productive.

-I went to Mystic Village in Connecticut with some friends last weekend. It was beautiful and probably one of the most fun days I have had in a while.

-I have began to remove myself from toxic situations and cut off people who were draining my happiness, even if it’s hard to do so sometimes.

-Speaking of toxic, I ran into my ex (my last ex, the one I wrote about in many of my blogs) Thankfully we did not speak to each other, and though the trauma from what he put me through still lingers to a point where seeing his face almost made me cry, I was able to pull myself out of it. I think I have finally reached a point where I can say that I no longer have feelings for him and that I’m pretty much moved on. I think the trauma is the only thing left that I still have to work through when it comes to him. I am just so happy that I was able to move on from someone who, just two years ago, I still believed I could not live with out despite how abusive he was.

-I found a new therapist who I get along well with. I still am adjusting to her and still go through periods of missing my (now former) therapist, but I love my new one so far and she has been helpful.

-I have found some new hobbies that have been helping keep my mind distracted whenever it begins to wonder, such as playing games. I started playing Pokémon Go again.

-As I always say, I have amazing best friends, amazing friends, and a lot to look forward to in the upcoming year. 2019 wasn’t the best year, but I feel like it did help me come out stronger and reminded me that I am capable of getting through the worst of times, and to never give up.

I wish everyone a happy and safe holidays. ❤

Reasons to Smile

With all the negative blogs I have been posting lately, I decided to take a brief break from venting to remind myself of the good things I do have in my life, or even little things that happened to make me happy these past few days even if for just a few minutes.

Reasons to smile even when I don’t feel like it:

-I got an A- on a test I thought I would fail.

-The semester is almost over. (11 more days til my last final is due) and then I have a month and a half free from school.

-Last weekend was pretty fun.

-So many people have shown care and concern about me, even from people I least expected it from.

-I have two days free to focus on homework

-I calmed myself down from having a panic attack today, and the feeling hasn’t come back since.

-I got an assignment done a week earlier than I was supposed to, so that’s one less thing to stress about.

-I’ve been able to help some people through tough times lately. It always warms my heart to be there for other people and make them smile.

-The holiday season is almost here. I don’t like the holidays, but I like how beautiful everything looks.

-I think this is the first time in my life where I actually feel like I have a legitimately genuine support system. I have a lot of friends (especially my two best friends) who love me, accept me for who I am, and have made me feel comfy venting to them, which is something I am not used to at all but it feels good knowing that I have so many amazing people in my life. It’s one of the many things keeping me going right now even on my worst days.

A Vent

As I wrote about in my last blog, I have been struggling a lot this year mentally, and I hate it. I hate feeling the way I have been the past five months because there is no need for me to feel so sad, yet I can’t seem to help it. There are those days where I feel pretty normal and like everything is going to be okay, but those days are becoming scarce. And then there are the days where I feel empty, alone, and like nothing will ever get better.

In essence, I know I have a lot going for me, and that I have a lot of people who love and care about me. I know that I have a whole life ahead of me full of opportunities. If you ask me why I am sad, I do not know if I could answer that question. All I know is that these thoughts and this sadness is becoming too overwhelming, yet I keep how I am feeling within out of fear of judgment or because I do not want anyone to worry about me. I already wrote about how bad it was getting in my last blog. My best friends did help me out by acknowledging the things I wrote about in my last blog, and that did help a lot. I just can’t seem to shake off this sadness that always manages to come back whenever I think I am doing okay.

Of all the months that I felt this way, November was the worst for me. I started off the month feeling horrible, and shit just kept on piling onto it throughout the month. At the peak of it all, I actually considered just giving up because it all became too much for me. This is not something I admit to proudly, but it really reached that point for a few hours a few weeks ago. The thing that stopped me was the thought of everyone that would be hurt and a few of my close friends calling me and staying on the phone with me. I also reached out to a hotline.

I would be lying if I said this was the first time reaching such a low point. This was, however, the first time in two years such scary thoughts entered my mind, and I never want to feel that way again.

I have been doing my best to reach out to people more, but that fear of being deemed an attention-seeker or overdramatic as I have been in the past always haunts me. Even in writing this I fear posting this because I do not want to be judged for the way I have been feeling and for airing out my dirty laundry. I guess writing has just been one of my healthier coping mechanisms. Today has just been one of those days where I woke up feeling awful and weighed down by the sadness again.

What do I expect to gain out of writing this? I don’t know. I don’t like people feeling sorry for me, contrary to what some people believe. I don’t expect anyone to “save” me or to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I don’t want anyone to worry about me or fear for my well-being after reading this. I need to put in the work myself, too. What scares me though, is that I have been doing my best to take care of myself. I push myself to go out more, I try to talk to friends, I do get help, I try to find things that make me happy, and I try to find things I like doing.

Unfortunately, my depression has began to make these things more difficult. My mind always tends to shift toward the negative people and experiences in my life, even when I try to focus on the people who care and show that they do. I have barely been making it in school this semester because I find it hard to focus. I have not been writing or doing the things I love because I cannot focus. When I do seek help, I feel better, then I go right back to feeling like crap days later.

Still, I keep all of this in. Because I don’t want to be seen as someone who is just crying for attention or like a burden. Because I don’t want to annoy anyone with my issues, especially since I feel like I’m just repeating the same shit some people have heard me vent about already. Because I care more about other people than I do myself. Because I feel like I am not worth worrying about. Because I am sick of hearing “other people have it worse,” “everyone feels sad, get over it,” “you’re too young to have any problems,” “stop putting all your problems out there,” or just being flat out ignored all together. Because no matter what I do, I can’t seem to win this battle I have been fighting internally.

Not Okay

I used to be able to openly express when something was bothering me. I could cry, hit someone up, or be open about everything that was bothering me without issue.

But then people began to treat me like a burden whenever I wanted to open up about my problems, so I have come to hold back my tears and repress my emotions out of fear of angering and inconveniencing anyone.

So when you see me, I will smile and say I’m fine. The reality is, however, I am not fine, and I haven’t been for a while.

When you repress your emotions, people will smile at you and say that you look so happy, even if how you appear externally doesn’t reflect how you feel internally. I have been smiling a lot lately, yet it’s been a while since I genuinely felt happy.

I keep on trying to reassure myself that things will get better and that I just have to be patient, but that becomes impossible sometimes. Sometimes you need someone else to lean on, but I have found it difficult to allow myself to confide in others.

This is, of course, not the fault of anyone I consider close. I have a small handful of loved ones (best friends, family) that I know love me and care about me deeply, even though I don’t always reach out to them. There is no denying that they would be willing to listen and offer me their support, yet I can’t shake that feeling of being a burden. Some of my loved ones, my mom, sister, and my two best friends in particular, have been nothing but trustworthy and never made me feel like I was a bother to them. My inability to open up about what is bothering me and instead distancing myself from everyone is not on them, but rather on me.

I could blame it on the people in my past who ridiculed me for always crying or for yelling at me for “being too depressed,” since it is mainly why I feel terrified to be open about how I am feeling and allowing myself to express my emotions, but it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t take some of the blame myself. Sure, words can have such a powerful impact that they affect how you percieve yourself and how you act around others, yet I could also try to reach out to people to let them know I’m not okay.

I guess its a part of depression too, right? Isolating yourself from others. Thats exactly what I’ve been doing for months, but lately so much shit has been piling on me to a point where I’ve began to feel more hopeless than ever and I am starting to wish I could reach out to someone, but then I think of all the people who have treated me like a burden, telling me to stop crying, pointing out that other people have it worse, saying I belong in a hospital, or telling me to just get over it.

Truth is no, I’m not okay. I want to be as happy as I appear to most, but I’m not.

I’m watching a loved one’s health decline and blaming myself for it.

I’m still not fully recovered from a fucking relationship that ended two years ago. I am over him in a sense where I have no desire to ever speak to him again because he was an abusive piece of shit, but I still feel the weight of the trauma he left me. I still find it hard to express whenever something is bothering me out of fear of being screamed and cursed at like he used to do to me. I finally feel myself moving on from him, yet everytime I finally like someone I find it difficult to get close to them out  of fear of getting hurt again. I always question if I will ever be able to genuinely be happy with someone else because I will always be scared that they will turn out to be just like my ex.

I feel like an awful friend to the people in my life that actually are there for me. Because I know there are people I can text or call in my time of need, but I don’t want to be a burden even though I am the one who has been more distant than ever.

I feel overwhelmed with all my responsibilities and I see everyone around me handling even more than I have on my plate and it just makes me feel awful about myself. I had a breakdown the other night because I felt myself becoming too overwhelmed with everything that I need to do. I find myself stressing every day about all the crap I have to get down and I fear I will never catch up this semester. I was a straight-A student last year, but this year I fear I will quickly fall behind, and I just can’t have that. I know always getting A’s is impossible, but my need to be the perfect student will never be able to accept getting anything lower. I got mostly B’s and one C before I took two years off from college, and I still haven’t fully forgiven myself for it.

I have been feeling lonelier than ever. It doesn’t have to be that way, but I look at my classmates and people out in public with their friends and I feel alone. I know I have loved ones and my lonliness is partially on me, but I often find myself longing some sort of closeness, yet that is also hard to attain because I have been isolating myself more than ever.