My Last Blog

Hello everyone. It has been a while since I have updated my blog, and I hate that this is the tone of my first blog in a while. I am sad to announce that I have made the difficult decision to discontinue this blog and my Facebook page for it. It disheartens me to say this, especially since I have ran this blog for over five years. Though I did not update the blog much, it was cathartic and a place for me to discuss issues such as mental health, relationships, and struggles I endured in my everyday life. I also used it to document things that made me happy, and tried my best to keep it a drama-free zone. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of sharing my blog with people I thought I could trust, and it resulted in me receiving messages on the Facebook page and comments on here from people I no longer wished to associate with that were cruel or overwhelming. This has been going on from different people over the past five years, and while I kept the blog and page going despite all of this, I have decided that I do not want to put up with this anymore for my own mental sake. The reason why these comments have become a nuisance is because they are from people I have known, not strangers. I will not get into any further details in this post. I also will be leaving my posts up on here for now, with the exception of this one (I will be taking this one down after a few days, this is just to let people know that I am no longer doing this blog.) but I will no longer be accepting or reading comments. I will likely create a new blog at some point, but it will not be under the same name.

Thank you for everyone who has followed and supported me throughout these five years. This includes the bloggers I have never met and personal friends who keep up with my blog. It always means a lot when people support my writing, especially since it is the thing I am passionate about the most. I will keep writing and continue t share my writing, but I do not feel like I can do it on this blog anymore.

Living Through a Pandemic

I wanted to believe that I was going to use the extra time I have wisely. I wanted to believe that I would use it to get various writing projects done, work on my art, catch up on schoolwork, do some necessary cleaning in my house, and get other things done that I have been putting off. I even wanted to write a book about the experience of being quarantined and dealing with social distancing. I felt that, as a writer, it was my responsibility to document everything that is going on right now for future generations so they know what it is like to live through a pandemic in the modern age. Instead, I find myself lying around, snacking on junk food, and binge-watching The Circle on Netflix or playing the Sims for hours.

Anytime I get schoolwork done, it’s usually at the last minute before it’s due. There are some classes where I fell behind in assignments. Whenever I try to get my writing done, I find my mind drifting off elsewhere after typing just a few sentences. I started drawing and painting again just before the quarantine, but now picking up a paintbrush just feels tedious. I keep on telling myself, I will get this done tomorrow, but then tomorrow comes and any ounce of motivation I have is gone. I don’t even want to write about the coronavirus, even though I feel that I should, because I just don’t feel like talking about it.

This is not to say that it shouldn’t be talked about, because it should. I also do follow necessary updates when it comes to the news, but otherwise, I just don’t feel like talking about it or watching anymore news about it. Anytime I even think of the word, “coronavirus,” my heart begins to race. All these new cases announced, all these deaths linked to the coronavirus, all these conspiracy theories, all this blame being thrown left and right, all these closures, all these disturbing images being shown by the media, all these people exaggerating about the virus to instill fear onto others, it’s just mentally draining to a point where I don’t want to spend more time thinking about the virus than necessary.

In the beginning, I did my best to remain positive and not let the fear win. However, the more days that pass by, the more reality sinks in. It doesn’t help that I live in New York, the epicenter of the virus. The numbers get higher, the streets get emptier, and more cases and deaths hit close to home. Two professors from my college died from the coronavirus last week. A songwriter for a television show that I love and changed my life through the songs he wrote died from the coronavirus two days ago. Many celebrities I love caught the coronavirus. None of my friends or immediate family has caught it, but my dad still has to go out to work every day, and it terrifies me. I am more terrified of him getting it, and my mom and sister catching it too, more than I am about catching it myself.

I do my best to stay distracted and not think about it, but it’s hard not to. In addition to having people linked to me in some form or the other catching it, there is the overexposure to news about the virus. I can’t even check my bank account anymore or watch television without an ad about COVID-19 popping up. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t mind keeping updated about important things regarding coronavirus, but some of the news I am unwillingly exposed to is gruesome and fuels my anxiety even more. My family had the tv on the living room while I was in there, but I wasn’t paying attention to it. The news comes on, and I glanced at the tv for just a minute. They were doing a news report on how they were running out of space for the dead bodies, and they showed all the body bags with the corpses of people who died from the virus. These images were also shared by Facebook friends, and they are not images I wish to see because they further instill fear and anxiety.

It’s not just the images that have been frightening me, it’s also those moments where the reality of the situation hits. The moments at 2am where I am laying in my room alone, with nothing but the sound of the static from my television and the pounding sound of my tinnitus to keep me company. The thought that there is a pandemic out there spreading from one person to the other and claiming lives. The fear of the unknown because we don’t know when it will go away, how long we will need to live this way, who may have it and not realize it, and if it will reach us or our loved ones. The frustration that this is all even happening, that we wake up to the number of cases increasing rapidly, and that there is no way to stop it. Whenever these thoughts take over my mind, I find the light in my room that I have been trapped in for over two weeks already (or has it been three? I can’t even keep track of time anymore, March felt like a whole year on its own) becomes overwhelmingly bright, my walls feel like they are caving in, and my heart palpitations begin. I try desperately to focus my mind on something else, but the thoughts of the virus and the quarantine take over. There has been two times already where I broke down crying. I wanted to stay positive, but the uncertainty and hopelessness held too much weight.

Each day, that weight gets heavier, and I almost feel like I can’t carry it any longer. I can’t focus on anything, so I end up just getting nothing productive done. I find myself becoming more easily irritable, which is not like me at all. I don’t have a bad temper and I don’t lose my patience easily, yet I have been finding myself getting angry at people over little things. I have had no motivation to speak to anyone despite how lonely I have been feeling, which has also been irritating me because I don’t want to seem like I am ignoring my friends and family. I have been struggling to sleep lately, and 5am has become my new bedtime. I also have been dealing with nightmares lately. I had three consecutive nights in a row full of nightmares last week, with one of my nightmares being about me getting the virus. As much as I hate to admit it, this pandemic and quarantine has taken a toll on me, as I know it has for many people I care about too.

I wish I could give advice on how to stay positive during a quarantine. I wish I could tell you how to cope with it. But truth is, I can’t, because I am struggling to do so myself.

Troubling Times

We live in troubling times,
Where everyday tasks have become a health risk,
And heartrates increase anytime we step foot outside.
No one dares to touch anything or anyone,
And even loved ones are terrified to touch each other.

We live in troubling times,
Where if you dare step foot outside,
you will face empty streets.
The few brave souls that still go outside,
Whether it be to go to work or to stock up on necessities,
Are seen wearing masks and gloves.
Their avoid any physical contact with anyone,
And they give death glares to anyone who coughs or sneezes.

We live in troubling times,
Where a cough has went from being a bodily function,
To a symbol of danger.
If you experience shortness of breath or cough,
then you may as well self-quarantine.
Everyone has become a hypochondriac.
Everyone now suffers from paranoia.
Everyone now lives in fear.

We live in troubling times,
Where everyday necessities have become a scarcity.
You can no longer find hand sanitizer, disinfectant sprays and wipes, or toilet paper.
Supermarkets are running low on many types of food, water, and milk.
Many shelves have been wiped clean
By people buying items in bulk,
As though they are preparing for an impending apocalypse rather than a pandemic.

We live in troubling times,
Where the streets, public transportation, and most stores are empty.
Schools are now remotely online,
Most jobs have now become work from home jobs,
Outdoor leisure activities can no longer be enjoyed,
And you will not be able to personally see the friends you miss so dearly.

We live in troubling times,
Where even New York City has become abnormally empty.
Empty streets, empty subway cars, empty restaurants, and empty stores,
Even the tourists that occupy most of midtown and lower Manhattan are no where to be found.
Attractions have shut their doors, and Broadway has gone dark.
The city that never sleeps,
Has now become devoid of any consciousness.

We live in troubling times,
Where the virus has brought the worst out of everyone.
Panic and tension is rising,
As the number of cases and deaths rapidly increase.
The amount of hysteria caused by the media is no better.
You can no longer go anywhere without hearing the word “Coronavirus.”

We live in troubling times,
Where we are isolated,
Alone,
Uncertain,
Anxious,
Depressed,
Frightened.

But one thing we are not?
Hopeless.

Because after every storm,
Comes a rainbow.
There is adage,
“It’s always darkest before the dawn.”
And that is a saying that is applicable,
To the current state of our society right now.

We live in troubling times.
But these times are not the end of the world.
The day will soon come where this evil virus can no longer spread,
And the last person infected has recovered.
There will be no more deaths linked to this virus,
And we will be able to go outside and enjoy the sunshine once more.

We live in troubling times.
But with faith and perseverance,
We will defeat this virus.
We will regain the life we so dearly valued once more,
And we will come out stronger than ever before.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hope

It’s been three months since I posted my blog entitled “Not Okay.” I also posted a blog nearly a month later that reflected the sadness I was experiencing. I started a series called “Reasons to Smile” and it did help me a lot. There was a period of time where I was beginning to feel like myself again, but I fell down from that high as quickly as I rose up to it, and I am back to feeling lost and alone again.

I have been keeping to myself a lot lately. I did not want to sound like a broken record, and I know my friends have their own crap to worry about. On top of that, I have not had much desire to go out or speak to anyone lately. It is partially due to me not wanting people to see me at such a low point, and partially because a lot of interactions I have been having with other people lately has been negative. As a result, I’ve been spending more time at home because communicating with others, even small interactions with merchants in stores, has become tedious.

It has been three years since I felt like this. I have suffered from depression since I was thirteen, but this is the first time since 2017 that it has hit me this hard for such a long period of time. When I was experiencing that depressive episode in 2017, at least I knew why. This depressive episode began last July, and has gotten worse since. I think these past few weeks have been where it has hit its peak. I have found myself crying more than usual (even when I have no real reason to cry), becoming more sensitive, and having to push myself to keep on going every day. I have been spending more time in bed than ever, and I have not been the least bit productive lately. I find it hard to focus on things, even the things that make me happy. I have been isolating myself from others, and whenever I go outside I have to push myself for over an hour to do so.

Even though I don’t feel like talking to anyone, I also find myself wanting to open up to someone about all of this. I know that no one can take my depression away, but I have felt more alone than ever. I know that is my own fault for not being open about how I am feeling and for pushing everyone away, but the feeling of loneliness is one of the things that have been making me feel even more depressed. This is also something that I have repressed because I do not want to seem selfish as I always say, nor do I want anyone to feel sorry for me. I also do not want anyone to worry about my safety. I feel so sad, so hopeless, and sometimes find myself questioning if I could keep on going, but the truth is, I know deep down that I don’t want to give up. I want to keep going, but it’s hard to when there is so much pain and sadness within me that won’t seem to go away, and it’s hard when these thoughts that I keep on trying to push away keep on coming back.

It’s not like I haven’t been trying to do better. I have been pushing myself to go outside for a few hours at least once a week. I have been going to the gym more and trying to eat better. I have been trying to do things that make me happy, such as playing video games or writing. I have been trying to talk to friends whenever I get the chance about other things to take my mind off the depression. I also have been trying to talk to God more. I do go to therapy and I have been keeping up with my meds. I have even tried to push away the negative thoughts when they come and cut out the negative people in my life. This depression always manages to sneak its way back in, however, and I am getting sick of never feeling better no matter what I do.

There is a song called “In My Blood” by Shawn Mendes that I listen to whenever I am feeling depressed. He says, “Sometimes, I feel like giving up but I just can’t/It isn’t in my blood.” That song, especially that line, perfectly goes with how I have been feeling. As I said, I don’t want genuinely want to give up. I want to be myself again, I want to be genuinely happy, I want these bad thoughts to go away, I want to stop feeling so alone, and I want the pain to go away. I have been holding onto hope that one day it will get better, but it’s hard when nothing I do seems to be working right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being Single

One thing I never understood was why choosing to be single and not be involved with anyone is frowned upon, especially for young women. If a young women decides to stay single, people assume that there is something wrong with her, that she’s “crazy”, or that no one wants to date her. They try to pressure her to try dating and see what’s out there. She will be reminded that she is already in her twenties, and that her “clock” is ticking before she is no longer considered sexy or desirable and she can no longer reproduce. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t want to have kids or if she is trying to focus on find herself in her youth before even thinking about dating.

When I declared that I was going to stay single for a while, people were happy for me since I was always one to jump from one situation to the other without taking some time to be alone. However, that was over two years ago, and the pressure is now on for me to date again. The truth is though, I don’t want to date. I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone or casually involved with anyone right now. But whenever I tell people these days that I am choosing not to date at all, it is always the same thing. People look at me like I’m weird, like I just declared something completely absurd or unheard of. It’s at a point where I am beginning to question if there is something wrong with me for not being in the mood to be with anyone at all right now.

I also am enjoying my independence. I am enjoying getting to spend some time alone and do the things that I want to do. Being in a relationship is a beautiful thing, but it can also be stressful and requires a lot of work that I just do not have the energy for right now. I would much rather work on myself and enjoy my freedom before I could fully commit to someone else. Call it selfish, but it is where my head is at right now.

It is hard to enjoy my independence, however, when I feel like there is something wrong with me because I do not want to date right now. I thought about trying to go out and date recently, but then I decided against it when I realized that the idea of going out on romantic dates or being intimate in any kind of way with anyone was off-putting to me. I realized that the reason why I even thought about going out with someone in the first place was not because I wanted to, but because I felt like I was behind compared to everyone else my age. Almost everyone I know is in a relationship or talking to someone, and I felt inadequate about being the only one who was not. This feel ridiculous since I have established that I do not desire to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment, yet it still something I subconsciously feel.

It is the same feeling I get whenever I find out that someone I know got engaged or pregnant. I am happy for them, but I also can’t help but feel bad about myself because I am not even close to reaching either of those milestones. Again, it is ridiculous because I do not wish to get married or have a baby anytime soon. I do want to get married and have children in the future, but I am not ready yet. I want to finish with school and focus on my goals before I think about marriage and kids, even if I do end up in a relationship sometime in the near future. Not to mention that I want to spend some time with someone to make sure that they are the person I want to spend my life with and have kids with before doing it. Despite all of this, however, I still find myself feeling like I am behind in life compared to others.

While I do think that this feeling somewhat stems from an issue within myself, I do think that the majority of the issue lies within this societal conditioning on women that we must be married and have babies by a certain age in order to be considered desirable and successful. While a healthy relationship that leads to marriage and possibly children is a valid goal, it should not be the only goal that we are expected to focus on. My favorite television show, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, put emphasis in the series finale on the importance of learning to be okay with being single and that finding true love is an important part of life that we will all eventually achieve, but it is not the ultimate end goal. (The main character explained this way better than I did. I just haven’t watched the episode in a while so I can’t remember exactly how she said it. Hopefully I made sense.)

Also, the show pointed out that love can be found in many places, such as your career, friendships, and passions. This resonated with me because many people, including myself in the past, only find fulfillment if they are involved with someone. However, putting all your happiness into your romantic relationships or depending on your love life to feel value within yourself is not healthy. You need to find love in other places and people, and you need to find happiness in other aspects of your life as well. I feel like there should be just as much emphasis on the importance of finding love within yourself and achieving other great things in life too. This obsession and judgment of adults who would rather focus on other than dating also needs to stop.

I am twenty-four years old, and I believe that I still have plenty of time to meet someone, get married, and have children. I also believe that there is no rush to try and date right now, especially if I am not ready. I would rather continue to enjoy being single than settle for the wrong person just so that I am not alone. Many women feel pressured to be married and have kids by their late 20’s, but the truth is that there is no absolute deadline. You can’t keep comparing yourself to others, which is something I am trying to remind myself. Everyone moves at their own pace, and I will eventually find true love. For now, however, I want to keep doing me and focus on the things that make me happy, and I won’t let anyone else determine what I should and should not be doing. I encourage you all to do the same.

 

Time Heals Most Wounds

You tell people how toxic I was, but would you ever tell people what the fuck you put me through?

I no longer cry over you, and I thought I would never write about you again. I have made a lot of progress toward moving on. I no longer think of you fondly, and I no longer have any love left toward you. I accepted that you were an abusive piece of crap, and that my life is better without you in it. I rarely ever think of you anymore, and I even began to see someone else for a while a few months ago. I have accepted that, while I made a lot of mistakes, none of it justifies what you put me through. Time truly does heal all wounds.

Well, most wounds have been healed anyway.

I may have moved on in a sense where I don’t want to associate myself with you ever again, and I sure as hell don’t miss you. I just have struggled to let go of the anger and forgive you for my own sake. I no longer want to feel anything toward you because that allows you to have some sort of power over me, and you already had enough of that during our relationship. However, I still find myself detesting you, and I still find that the things you put me through affecting me two years later.

You just love to play victim and talk about how I was possessive, a liar, a slut, an attention-seeker, a bitch, a brat, toxic, and immature. I already accepted my fuckups in the relationship, and they paled in comparison to yours. Humiliation, insulting, gaslighting, lying, hypocrisy, verbal abuse…I could go on. You would never admit to your fuckups though. An abuser will never admit what they did wrong, and admitting to what you put me through would tarnish that precious reputation of yours. Instead, you play victim, which is always one thing you’ve always done best.

I wish you could no longer have any significance in my life. I wish that this anger would fade away, and the only thing left of you in my mind is the lessons that being with you taught me. Instead, the trauma of what you put me through still haunts me in ways that I least expect.

It’s still hard for me to trust anyone or let my guard down. I always obsess over my past mistakes even though I have changed for the better because you made me believe that I was a bad person. I always question people’s intentions no matter how kind and caring they are to me. In fact, I sometimes question if people actually like me or if they are just pretending to like you did. I always fear that someone is upset with me or will leave me if they became even the least bit distant. I am terrified to express to someone that they did something that bothered me or disagree with people because I do not want them to lash out on me like you did. I am scared to vent to people because I don’t want them to think I am being self-absorbed or looking for attention. I tear up if someone raises their voice at me even a little bit because of how much you screamed and cursed at me. I still hate crying in front of others, though, because I don’t want to be reprimanded for it like how you and your toxic ass friends used to do anytime I cried even though it was your fault that I was crying most of the time. I fear opening up to people like I did with you because of how you went around and told people things that I trusted you with that I never told anyone else. Whenever something goes wrong, I blame myself just like how you loved to blame me for everything. Whenever I am upset about something, I often question if I am just overreacting. Though not as frequent, I still have nightmares about you, and my anxiety flares at the mere thought of you. It has been hard for me to be romantically and intimately involved with someone because I fear that no matter how loving and genuine they are, I will fear they will turn out to be as fake and abusive as you.

While the trauma from our relationship has left such an overwhelming impact on me, I still do not regret being with you. Though there is a lot of pain that still affects me, there are also some valuable lessons I learned that have helped me grow as a person. I learned things I needed to work on, such as my co-dependency issues and my insecurities. I learned how to be satisfied with being single for a long while. I learned what red flags to look out for in people, and when to walk away from someone who was causing me nothing but pain even if they meant a lot to me. Though I am not as far along in the moving on process as I would like to be, I have made a lot of progress.

Time heals wounds, and I pray every day that someday it will heal the wounds left from you. You may have never hit me, but the scars from the emotional pain you caused me still remain.

 

 

 

My New Years Eve

Before I start this blog, I just want to warn that it discusses triggering themes, including sexual harassment.

I promised to update my blog more, and that is exactly what I plan to do with all the free time I have the next few weeks. I want to catch up on writing, especially since I have so many blogs planned out. However, I wanted to address this situation that happened to me on New Years Eve before working on my other blog posts I had planned out, including a decade review blog (I know that’s late but whatever) since it has been sitting in my head for days. As I always say, I write to express myself, work out my emotions, and heal, so maybe this will help.

I rarely ever go to parties anymore due to social anxiety and bad experiences. This New Years Eve, however, I decided to go to a party. 2019 was a shitty year for me, so I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to go out and have some fun to end the year on a positive note. I attended an event in Manhattan held by a group I was apart of, and I assumed that it would be fun. The moment I got to the party, however, I began to rethink my decision. People were either already in groups talking to each other or sitting by themselves and not talking to anyone. I suck at approaching people, especially when I don’t know anyone, so I just sat by myself on my phone. I was invited to another party that started later, so I was planning to go to that one if this party continued to be lame.
Eventually, a guy came up to me and began to talk to me. He was a bit older, but he was friendly and trying to start conversation with me since I was by myself. He continued to talk to me for a bit, and eventually we started to talk with other people too. He seemed really nice, and he even tried to set me up with a guy that I thought was cute. I tried to keep my distance from the guy who approached me though. I was not interested in getting to know him romantically, and I wasn’t going to trust a guy I just met so easily no matter how polite he was. After I began to chat with the cute guy (who was actually very nice, but I ended up not exchanging my number with him because as we spoke to each other I realized we weren’t vibing.) the guy who approached me left me alone for a while. I ended up losing track of time and not making it to the other party.
After midnight struck and 2020 began, the cute guy left. Some people were dancing and asked me to join in, so I did. I was having a great time until the guy from earlier came and began to dance with me. At first, it was innocent, but then he began to grind on me. I was uncomfortable with this, so I moved away. Some other guy at the party yelled out to him, “she’s too young for you!” but he kept on trying to dance on me. He also tried to kiss me, but I ducked it. I moved away from him, and he asked if he was making me uncomfortable. I told him he was, so he kept his boundaries after that. Things were fine and I hoped he got the message that I was not interested in him, though he kept trying to get me to drink. I told him that I don’t drink alcohol anymore because of the meds I take, but he said that drinking with meds makes it even more fun. (Which is not true at all. This combination can damage your liver and has severely dangerous side effects.) He continuously teased me for not drinking, which got extremely annoying and I began to dislike him.

As it neared 1am, many people were bar-hopping or heading home. I was starving since there was no food at the party, so I was going to grab something to eat before I headed home. Some of the group was going to grab pizza after stopping by a live music event nearby, so I decided to join them. Unfortunately, this guy also tagged along. I was hoping he would keep his distance since I told him that he was making me uncomfortable, but he still tried to come near me and was touchy. I continued to move away from him and tried to just enjoy the band, and even tried to stay near a group of girls. He did eventually back off again, but then when we went to go eat after the performance, he continued to talk to me. Earlier in the night, I told him that I found sarcasm attractive since I’m sarcastic myself. He decided to make offensive jokes and comments and claim that he was being sarcastic, but all he was really just being insulting.

At this point, I just wanted to get something to eat and leave. However, when I got to the pizza place, I saw that it was impossible to get an Uber. They were in high demand, and it would cost me over 100 dollars to get home. It was already almost 2am and I wanted to leave with the remainder of the group that we were with since I did not feel safe taking the subway home alone. I know I should have just went home earlier, but I depended too much on the fact that I was able to get a cab home for much cheaper going home on New Years at 4am two years ago. I was trapped downtown in a group with this guy, and to make matters worse, my phone turned itself off for a random system update.

We ate in a small pizza place where the cashier nearly ripped me off and the pizza tasted worse than school lunch pizza. The pizza place was also ridiculously small, and I ended up stuck sitting next to the creep. I voiced my concerns about travelling home to someone else in the group. The other person in the group tried to respond in an understanding manner, but the creep decided to throw his two cents in by saying that there was nothing wrong with me riding the subway at night and made fun of me for being so scared. He called me “spoiled,” “dainty,” and told me that no one would want to kidnap me. After making these rude comments, he made an offer to take me home which I declined.

After we left the pizza place, it was way after 2am. There was only one train nearby that would take me to the train I needed to go home, and the guy just so happened to be taking it too. There was another guy from the group taking the same train, so I stood near him as we waited and I called my mom to stay on the phone with me until the train came. The train took a while to come, and by the time it came the platform had gotten ridiculously crowded since so many people were going home from parties at that time.
When I got on the train, I tried to separate myself from the creep, but there were so many people shoving through that I ended up next to him, and the other guy from the group that I tried to stay near ended up further away. To make matters worse, the train was so packed that everyone was literally squished against each other. I tried to position myself so that he and I were not touching, but there was barely any room to move.
I hoped that the train ride would go quickly. Thankfully, I only had a few stops and I was getting off before the creep. However, the train decided to keep delaying as it got closer to my stop. The guy also kept making stupid comments about how close everyone was to each other due to how packed the train was. He made a dumb joke about how I touched his butt, which I didn’t, and it didn’t even make sense because we were facing each other. He then proceeded to pinch my butt and laugh. This was the final straw for me. I wanted to snap at him right there, but I ended up freezing up. After he did this to me, I said nothing for the remainder of the train ride to anyone. I kept on trying to push out the words that I wanted to say to him out, but I couldn’t get them out. I was terrified of how he might react, and how the other people on the train would react. No one saw what he did to me, so I was scared that they would think I was overreacting and no one would defend me. I just stood there frozen and with tears in my eyes. When the train finally got to my station, I left and stormed to get an Uber. They were over sixty dollars, but at that point I had enough and just wanted to get home.

When I did finally get home, I tried to shower and forget what happened. I left that group because I did not want to associate myself with a group that had a guy like that, and that had people who did not defend me even though they saw what he was doing, aside from the guy who tried to get the creep to stop dancing on me by saying that I was too young for him. I didn’t exchange numbers or any social media with him, but I remembered his name and his Facebook from when he showed me some pictures of himself. I quickly blocked him from ever being able to find me. I wasn’t sure if he remembered my name, but I didn’t want to take that chance.

I didn’t really tell anyone what happened with that guy. I felt so much shame about what happened. I also feared that people would think that I was overreacting or that it was all my fault. I felt like I was making it a bigger deal than it was, and that I deserved it for many reasons. I couldn’t stop thinking about the things he said and did to me, however, and I kept on experiencing anxiety anytime I thought about it. This was not the first time a guy had crossed a line with me, nor was it the worse thing a guy has ever done without my consent, and all those memories rushed back in my head as I continued to think back to what the guy did to me. I opened up to my mom about what happened with the guy, and she tried to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault. However, I couldn’t shake off the negative thoughts and feelings.

It is almost five days later, and I still occasionally keep reflecting on what happened. I don’t want one incident to have so much power over me, especially since I am aware that it could have been a lot worse, but it keeps on bothering me. I keep seeing his face, thinking of the things he said and did to me, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I am brought back to the many past experiences of being harassed and assaulted and the trauma I gained from those experiences adds onto the trauma I gained from the New Years Eve party. These experiences often make me think that people just view me as sex and nothing more, especially lately, and what happened with the creep at the New Years Eve party doesn’t help. I hate thinking of or speaking about it because it makes me anxious, but repressing it just makes it linger in my head ever more. I also feel angry at him for doing this to me, and angry at myself for not doing anything to stop it. I also just want to move on from the situation because I keep feeling like I am just overreacting, but I can’t seem to.

The mess of a thought train in that last paragraph is exactly what has been going through my head for days, and I hate it. I hate thinking this way, and I hate that it is so common. I also hate that women (and men on some occasions) have to be terrified whenever they go out and want to have a good time because some people feel entitled to our bodies and can’t take no for an answer. I hate that we get blamed for the harassment and assaults that happen to us and that so much emphasis is put on what we need to do to prevent it from happening to us, but not enough emphasis is put on stopping the perpetrators from doing it to us in the first place.

Deep down, I know me blaming myself completely is irrational. Yes, I could have left as soon as he began to make me feel uncomfortable. Yes, I didn’t have to hang out with the group after the party, especially when I saw that he was there. Yes, I could have told him off when he continued to be touchy and when he grabbed my butt. However, he is the one that continued to touch me when I told him that he was making me uncomfortable, spoke to me rudely, and tried to kiss me and dance on me without any consent or sign that I was interested in him. Yet here I am, still blaming myself entirely for this whole situation.

It is experiences like this that are one of the reasons why I barely go out to parties or events anymore, and why it is hard for me to trust people when I meet them for the first time.

Reasons to Smile (2)

I have been feeling pretty down the past day. I have been trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but my anxiety has not been allowing me to do so. So I decided to do this blog again. I intend to update my blog more. In fact, I have two blogs I want to publish sometime within the next week. One is a post I feel is too negative to post around the holidays, and the other is a New Years post. To cheer myself up and in keeping up with what is supposed to be a joyful time, here are more great things that happened this week (or week and a half):

-I began to go to the gym again. I started going over the summer, but I stopped the past two months due to my anxiety, depression, and other stressors. I decided to stop making excuses, however, and get back into it. Surprisingly, my body has been responding well to getting back into workouts again.

-I finally finished this semester, which was probably the most difficult and arduous semester I have endured so far. So far, I have received an A- in one class that I was struggling a lot with, and I got an A+ on a paper I was not confident about at all.

-I have become inspired to write more, and plan to do so during my month off. I also want to be more productive.

-I went to Mystic Village in Connecticut with some friends last weekend. It was beautiful and probably one of the most fun days I have had in a while.

-I have began to remove myself from toxic situations and cut off people who were draining my happiness, even if it’s hard to do so sometimes.

-Speaking of toxic, I ran into my ex (my last ex, the one I wrote about in many of my blogs) Thankfully we did not speak to each other, and though the trauma from what he put me through still lingers to a point where seeing his face almost made me cry, I was able to pull myself out of it. I think I have finally reached a point where I can say that I no longer have feelings for him and that I’m pretty much moved on. I think the trauma is the only thing left that I still have to work through when it comes to him. I am just so happy that I was able to move on from someone who, just two years ago, I still believed I could not live with out despite how abusive he was.

-I found a new therapist who I get along well with. I still am adjusting to her and still go through periods of missing my (now former) therapist, but I love my new one so far and she has been helpful.

-I have found some new hobbies that have been helping keep my mind distracted whenever it begins to wonder, such as playing games. I started playing Pokémon Go again.

-As I always say, I have amazing best friends, amazing friends, and a lot to look forward to in the upcoming year. 2019 wasn’t the best year, but I feel like it did help me come out stronger and reminded me that I am capable of getting through the worst of times, and to never give up.

I wish everyone a happy and safe holidays. ❤

Reasons to Smile

With all the negative blogs I have been posting lately, I decided to take a brief break from venting to remind myself of the good things I do have in my life, or even little things that happened to make me happy these past few days even if for just a few minutes.

Reasons to smile even when I don’t feel like it:

-I got an A- on a test I thought I would fail.

-The semester is almost over. (11 more days til my last final is due) and then I have a month and a half free from school.

-Last weekend was pretty fun.

-So many people have shown care and concern about me, even from people I least expected it from.

-I have two days free to focus on homework

-I calmed myself down from having a panic attack today, and the feeling hasn’t come back since.

-I got an assignment done a week earlier than I was supposed to, so that’s one less thing to stress about.

-I’ve been able to help some people through tough times lately. It always warms my heart to be there for other people and make them smile.

-The holiday season is almost here. I don’t like the holidays, but I like how beautiful everything looks.

-I think this is the first time in my life where I actually feel like I have a legitimately genuine support system. I have a lot of friends (especially my two best friends) who love me, accept me for who I am, and have made me feel comfy venting to them, which is something I am not used to at all but it feels good knowing that I have so many amazing people in my life. It’s one of the many things keeping me going right now even on my worst days.